Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Dear Blog,

I promise I have not abandoned you.

I have had many thoughts of writing on your blank canvas that patiently waits for my words of wisdom.

Oh, but life has been calling and would not wait.

Not to say life is no longer calling, I just miss you wee little blog. So, today I stopped life a minute and stopped in for a visit.

I hope to find more time for you soon.

For now I am off to knit, sew, homeschool, milkgoats, cook, clean, talk with a friend and be wifely....amongst MANY other things.


Inspired to live in real life, for now ;-)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Interview with Elaine

I found this on another blogger's site and decided to try it with my kids. Here is Elaine's answers.
1. What is something mom always says to you?
Go to your room.

2. What makes mom happy?
Picking up your room.

3. What makes mom sad?
I don't know.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Being good. 

6. How old is your mom?
Aaaaa LOT. (Followed by laughter.)

7. How tall is your mom?


8.What is her favorite thing to do?
Play on the computer.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Play on the computer and stuff. Go out to eat. Go to a friends house and that's all.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Strawberries. (I would become famous for strawberries?) Yeah, cause we picked strawberries.

11. What is your mom really good at?
Ummm, Eating..hahaha.

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Mmmmm, picking leaves.

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Nothing. oh wait, you go to the bank to get money.

14. What's your mom's favorite food?
Crackers. (we are eating crackers btw)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
I don't know. A mom.

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Go out to eat.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Cause we have the same hair.

19. How are you and your mom different?
Cause we are not the same size.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because she likes me and she got me ice cream. Actually I got me ice cream and mom got her ice cream.

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? no no. I know I know. No I don't know. Our friends house, Christina.

Friday, July 16, 2010


For as long as I can remember I have put the people who care the most about me....second. At best.

I push them away. I hide my deepest thoughts and secrets from them. I do that in the name of "not hurting them". So, I tell myself.

I keep them at arms lengths, though they are pushing to know me completely. I lie by omission. All the while I pull in the ones that treat me the same as I do those that love me most. I reach out to those that set me aside and make me feel like second, at best.

I do dearly love those that love me fiercely. Yet, I continue down this self destructive path. This path that keeps everyone at bay.

Those that make me feel second are safe to get close to.  They may never want to know me fully, there for I won't allow them to hurt me completely. So, I tell myself.

I have what I would call "a fear of abandonment". I keep the ones that might actually stick around at arms length. While allowing the ones that are seemingly digging their way out of my life to consume my time, energy and love.

Whats more is that I do all this knowingly and willingly. I self "medicate" this way. I willfully choose it.

I am truly sorry to those who have gotten lost in the after math of any of my push and pulls in life that I use to keep myself "safe".

Please don't give up on me. I am in here somewhere. While I may never give fully of myself to those that love me most. I will not make those kinds of promises. Promises I don't think I can keep. Old habits die hard.

I do truly know your love and I ache for any pain I may have caused you. As well as pain I know I am sure to cause you in the future. Its the nature of my head strong self defeating behavior. Once again, I am sorry.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How to get a new toilet, I hope.

Step 1. Buy crappy handle that keeps falling off, to replace the old one that broke off.
Step 2. Since the handle keeps coming off you have to lift lid off the tank to flush the toilet.
Step 3. Have child lift tank lid to flush toilet and drop lid into toilet tank.
Step 4. Have husband tell you that the seal is broke from said child dropping the lid into the tank.
Step 5. Go to investigate and clean up water. Find that the toilet tank is cracked from the dropped lid.
Step 6. Use a bucket of water to flush toilet until I have time to go buy a toilet and install it myself :-)

You see we have too much to do right now to get ready for the county fair. I am staying home from fair to take care of the goats, so I will probably be playing plumber as well. Not like I have not removed and installed a toilet before! Just was not planning on having my alone time spent on plumping projects.
What I really wanted to do was clean house Guess I can install a toilet naked to make up for it...ehh? I think NOT.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


It just hit me. I know where, besides premenstrual, all my anger was coming from today. I also was having moments of EXTREME sadness.

I was missing my mom and angry at my dad. I had "thee talk" with my friend Christina last night. The talk I hardly have anymore. The talk that I shut people out of my life to avoid having. I told her about my parents death.

I normally keep people at bay and just tell them the "logistics" of it. You know, the blunt "my dad shot my mom and then shot himself". And just let the jaw drop and say, "ehh, its life what can you do?"

YES, really. The queen of detailed long conversations, shuts her mouth and keeps her heart guarded. When it comes to THAT day in time. BUT I told her everything. Every last draining detail. How certain smells still take me back to that day. How I felt hearing the words that was told me. What I did that day and the days following.

Every horrid detail. Well darn near. As much as I could handle at the time.

I shut it out most of the time. The voices, the faces, the guilt. I leave it locked away. I opened it up and let the hurt come back for that moment in time and it spilled over to my next day unknowingly. Back in the closet you go, I will deal w/u later pain.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Waste not, want not

So, I put that cake from last week into the freezer with plans for it. I had a party this Saturday at my house with a spring/summer feel. Here is what I turned that "ruined" cake into.

This was my first attempt at Fondant people. I had an awesome time creating this guy. I love cute and whimsical and LOVE LOVE taking something "ruined" and turning into something wonderful!

We had a very blessed time at the party, too. It was a Bic houseparty party. I LOVE House Party. This was our (me and my sisters) 3rd time hosting a houseparty party. She has already been selected for another for next month! We are hosting that one at my home as well, I have a bigger kitchen and its a canning party!! I am soo excited.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Three fits, lets try four!

So, I like to make cakes. That is understatement. I LOVE to make cakes. I have not gotten very creative with the actual "cake". I use "beefed up" box mixes. I am not a follow the directions kinda gal, with anything in life.

So, I was asked to make a baby shower type cake for a celebrating one step closer to adoption for a friend of mine. This is the resulting finished product. ALL things on the cake are made from scratch. The cake is even made from scratch... gasp! Don't worry there is story!

So. The story.

This was the second attempt at making this cake. It was made in a half sheet cake pan that I have used only once before. Remember I said I only use "beefed up" box cake mixes when making my cakes. When I used this pan the very first time I used three cake mixes. Which made the cake 2/3 white and 1/3 chocolate. It fit in the pan with room to spare. I wanted to make the cake an even half and half cake. So,  four cake mixes it is!

Immediately upon getting all the batter in the pan I knew this was not going to go "as planned". OH well, we have gotten this far, what's a "little" extra batter gonna hurt? I thought I would just have a bit of a dome to cut off the cake to even it.

That's what I get for thinking.

Take note of the cake piles in the bottom of the oven, dubbed "horse turds" by the kids. Now look what the kids willing did with the "horse turds". YUMMY!

The cake in the pan is still edible. I froze it. I will decorate it next weekend for a "beach" themed party I am having to get the girls together for a house party!  It is sunk in and that will become the "swimming hole". If all goes well.

I remade this cake, from scratch, to get the finished product in the first picture. This time I used a double batch of butter cake recipe. Now recall I have never made a cake from scratch, so that is a risky investment for me. Also, realize that I have no clue how many cups of batter this cake recipe will make either. I was prepared to deal with the consequences, again.

I figured how much worse could it get.

Well, I do not have a cooling rack big enough to hold a cake this size. So all I can do is flip it out on the cake board and allow it too cool. When I went to flip it over to cut off the slight domed top, the whole top of the cake stuck to the cake board. I did not take a picture of that. It was sticky and goey from the retained heat. I could not just scrape it off and stick it back together.  I was able to save it, though. I took the cake bits I had to cut off around the edges and layed them in the hole in the middle of the cake. Wallah, flat even cake! Remember this was cake number two.

I did not have to make cake number three, thank God!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

EVERYTHING??? Oh come on you couldn't mean EVERYTHING!

"Do everything without complaining or ARGUING" Philippians 2:14....

WHAT!!??!! We are not supposed to fight and argue, God?

I remember a line in my "marriage counseling" stuff before we got married in a video we older mother was telling her adult daughter something,  after her husband (the daughters father) had just yelled at the mother and the daughter asked her mom if she was gonna take that? she said "I will win my best friend back faster with kind words, than with harsh words." or something like that..but that's the point.

I am NOOO good at that! I am trying. Most of you know how well I speak my mind. Sometimes a personality asset, sometimes a flaw. 

I get discouraged, almost daily, with the choices I make in my marriage. How to speak to my husband, respond to him, "serve him" (ohhhh bad word bad word..I am sure u r all saying that!), and submit to him as the head of the house.  When I struggle with this things HOW can I get down on him for struggling with his "husbandly duties?"  Things like loving me, kindness, serving me, providing....but u get the point.

He has his struggles just as I have mine. All to often its like Sharon, my pastors wife, used to tell my pastor, "Do you really think I am out to get you?"  I am so blessed to have so many good godly examples of "how to do marriage." Then I hear of PASTORS doing it VERY wrong...sigh. NOT my pastors, but one woman had said 3/6 of her pastors in her lifetime had affairs on their wife's WITH someone IN the church!

And fidelity is not the only issue couples struggle with, just being KIND to one another...realizing we ARE in this TOGETHER...we have a common goal.  We will NOT always agree on how to reach those goals or even what those goals should be!

But all in all, "Are we really out to get each other?"  Some days I think YES. Honestly, most days I think YES!!! YES at the top of my lungs YES. But really are we? Honestly I think we just forget we are on the SAME team. We forget to build up and not tear down.

We know better than anyone out there how to push each others buttons. When I am worn out and tired from unexpected  LONG days. When he has something on his mind to get done and I want something else done.

I forget to take a step back and take control of my own actions. To rely on God to deal with his bad attitudes. I know prayer works, I am just such a control freak!

God does NOT lie...he does not say if we love each other we should hurt one another and fight. We will have disagreements, but we need to speak the TRUTH in LOVE...

1 Corinthians 13:4-9 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,... See More

6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never fails

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Patience or lack there of...

So, I decided I wanted to make goats milk lotion. I looked up the how to's online last night. Then went to the library and got some books today. Took the kids to the park and skimmed through the books till I found an "easy" starter lotion. With few ingredients that I figured I could get on the way home by stopping at 2 stores.

I got everything but the beeswax. Which was thee 'binding" agent or what they call the emulsifier to keep the oil and water/milk together.So, I said, "ehh I can use a different emulsifier instead." OF course the store did not have any of the "good" ones on my list. So I settled for coconut oil and a thickening agent, that was not on my list of "acceptable" ingredients either. 

Off I go home to try out MY recipe to make it now resembled NOTHING in the books or things I read online ;) 

Well it smells good and moisturizes. So I would call it lotion. But is thin, greasy, grainy, and looks to have separated out some.  So, I would not call it GOOD lotion.

I have put out a "call" for local beeswax the mean time my lack of patience took over again. I bought a few ounces on ebay.  I will not give up the homemade milk lotion quest till I get a GOOD batch of lotion.

Not only do I lack patience, but I am stubborn too!

Monday, April 12, 2010


In all my years of diapering children. Including diapering my 2 younger brothers. So were are talking more than half my life, 21 plus years of diapering. Of course not constant years...anyway you anal people.

I have NEVER had a child POO again right away, just as I was about to strap down the second velcro tab. Yes, I have been peed on and pooed on. Yes, I have had a baby poo before the diaper was even under their butt.

But this trick of Alexus's is a new one for me. She gave a stretch and filled her diaper up again for me.

So, in a matter of 2 minutes I got to change her diaper for the first and second time!

For those of you don't know, Alexus is my Great niece. She came home from the hospital today and is 7 days old now too! I had the pleasure of helping her mother (my niece) during labor and to see her born. She is so precious.

Have I mentioned how much I love her?

Friday, April 2, 2010

I think too much....

It's been a week since my last post. I think I will re-post here a note I wrote on facebook.

Also, please pray for me to be consistently in the Word. I am struggling.

Here is the note....

I have been experiencing chest pains for about 2 months now.
I went to the ER a little more than a month cardiac issues to be found. But I have a stress test scheduled for the 15th still. I don't believe it is my heart....

Long story short, I think it has to do w/my digestive system possibly gallbladder or some other bile functioning. The chest pains are now turning into upper right ab pain as well. So, now I have BOTH pains.
All things point to something to do with my bile production.

Had an ultrasound today that was "Normal". Now the doctor (Kay Jones) would like to do a HIDA Scan....

ONE thing u need to take note of here before reading further is that I am very anti-medications. In the sense that I prefer herbal and homeopathic meds and ways to treat stuff. but I am at a loss of where to go from here with this. At this point I don't even have a diagnosis for WHAT is causing the pain to know WHAT to do about it!

TWO things..

1. I am scared to do the scan because of the radioactive stuff they will be injecting into me.... all the detoxing of gallbladder flushes, things like that...say do not do them when u have pain. I have constant pain of varying degrees. I don't know where the problem is at and I am just plain scared and want answers.

2. if I decide to do this test...what do u recommend to flush this radioactive stuff out of my system as fast as possible?

OK so 3 things..

3. What should I be doing, besides low fat, high fiber...ok ok ok..I know a lot of the answers...certain things that support liver/bile function...but not sure which ones..well know some of the shaklee products. but that is liver dtx...isn't that for a detox situation..versus everyday support ? and I don't know if it's my liver OR a blocked or leaking duct..or something like that or my gallbladder not functioning right...pancreatic problems...WHO knows at this point. SO I am inclined to get the test to make sure things are not in "disrepair". like leaking or blocked.

OH and 4. the doc wants me to take zantac (I think that is the normal brand name for it) but I have the information for the generic stuff...Ranitidine... its for GERD and to treat and prevent ulcers. its a histamine blocker. I don't think my body is deficient in this drug and I don't like the "take this med and see what it does" answers. I am not an experiment! I want real answers, with least amount of side effects.

The ultrasound showed no gallstones. I do not want to have my gallbladder removed if possible. I have read too many stories where that does not turn out good, when there is no stones involved. People still in discomfort and having to follow a strict diet, that they may have been able to "save" the gallbladder had they done the diet in the first place..and now are forced to do it.

Anyway, before I write a longer book..sigh... can anyone offer any help in those questions I asked?


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Trusted with much...

I have never thought of this in this way till today.

I am not looking up the verse right now, but its the story about God giving much to those he can trust with few..or something like that. Gosh that sounds so backwards, I know I got something wrong in translation there.

Well, tonight I sit here relishing in how much I have felt like such a failure at MUCH. I have felt like  God should NOT trust me with anything a bit in my life. I feel unworthy of His trust.

Tonight I feel as if He trusts with much. I felt that God was telling me I have been faithful in an area of my life that He can trust me with more in that area.

I feel this overwhelming joy and hope and peace. God has been giving me so much trust and faith in ME. ME, just to type it is amazing. Me of little faith, of little trust. Me who always needs to feel IN control...when He is the one really in control. Today He showed me where I have been faithful to Him.

In having trusted me with MUCH in this area of my life this last week,  I have seen that I must have been faithful with little in this same area.

A lot of this will sound all brambly and not make any sense to most of my readers if not all 3 of them ;) But I feel the need to post this tonight. Maybe you are seeking affirmation from God. Look at what He keeps giving you MORE of and realize that YOU are faithful to Him with it! Sometimes the MORE feels like a burden at the time and sometimes its joyful. But He has trusted YOU! He has faith in YOU! As I have seen that He has Faith in ME. 

Thank you Lord for showing me where I am faithful to You. Forgive me for the areas I still need to work on being faithful. Forgive me for when I take control. Know Lord I will still screw it up.  Give me the strength and wisdom to be a more faithful servant of Yours.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The little things...

Tonight I let my old self bring my forgiven self down. I allowed her to beat up the new me. I allowed her to make me cry. I let her treat me like the POS that I used to be.

I am not perfect, and never claim to be. Then little things brightened my night.

Things like sharing in the joys of being a proud a parent with a friend. Having all the chickens in the coop; not having to carry them from the barn to the coop. Seeing new hair growing in on my goats nose. Which means I finally found the item she was deficient in that was causing her nose to go bald. (Yeah!!) Go figure it was Zinc. All she needed was some baby butt creme rubbed into her balding nose and wallah, nose hair grows back! Cheap easy fix. A fix I have been searching for months now.

Yes, the kids did not go to bed when told. Yes, they got up several times. Yes, my day was filled with  whining and anger. Some mine, some theirs.

But I am moving forward and learning and growing. Everyday makes for a brighter tomorrow.

I will not let the old me tell the woman I have become that I am not worthy. God has deemed me worthy. Thank you Lord!  He knows I will never be perfect and I will still mess up BADLY, but He loves me anyway!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Is your sin somehow lesser than mine?

I have been struggling with posting reality. My reality. That somehow my struggles, my issues, are somehow worse than yours. But maybe you silently struggle with sin as well.

"We all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God." Romans 3:23. We are taught this. Do we really believe it?

Why then do I hide my sins? We all sin. I know we are ashamed of it. But also if I admit my sins then won't I have to stop sinning?

I choose everyday to sin. Yes, everyday. Yes, choose!

I have sin in my life that God has convicted me of, time and time again, and I choose to keep sinning. The bible tells me that there is no trouble that I experience that is not known to man. That means that others out there have or are currently struggling with thee same sins I am.

While I do not see a point in wallowing in our sins together, wouldn't being more transparent help us to see we are not alone? That we too will get through this. That we can conquer it.

When you think of sins, what comes to mind? Adultery, anger, lust, selfishness, pornography, forsaking fellowship, murder, greed, over eating, stealing, putting others before God, worry, fear, wasting time, wasting money, ungratefulness,..... the list goes on. What it boils down to is whatever God has laid on your heart that you are doing that is wrong. I have sinned every sin on that list at one point in my life. I am ashamed of that. Some of those sins I have conquered, many I still struggle with.

Does that mean that my sins are worse than yours? If I am dealing with fear and anger, but you struggle with ungratefulness...oh shame on you! NO!!! That is not how it works!

Inspired by MckDaddy who has a much better way with words, so please read his blog too. 

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Heavy heart = Thankful heart

The adult son of a person dear to me was diagnosed today with Hodgkins Lymphoma. My heart is heavy for their family.

I am saddened by my own thought process right now. I find myself thankful that God does not feel I could handle that in my life. I am thankful it is not my child. My heartaches for her, but I have faith in my God that He is already seeing her through this time in her life. I know He would do the same for me, but still I am thankful. I would be a wreck.

Seeing this happening in her family has reminded me of emotions I had almost 5 years ago when a bone tumor was accidentally found in Corey's right femur. Then over the course of several months the diagnosis being confirmed over and over again that it was a benign tumor.

He still has check ups, the last one being a year or two ago, another good reminder to call and see if he is due for his next checkup yet. He has never had a biopsy of the tumor, which always leaves this margin for error in my mind..sigh. As he approaches puberty I have to remember that God is in control. New concerns enter my mind of that tumor changing as he changes. Of that tumor affecting his growth. And I have to remember that if He brings us to it (whatever it is in our lives), He will bring us through it. God will only give me as much as I can handle. I pray often that I will never be able to handle one of my children having a serious illness or dieing.

Lord Jesus, be with the Rudd's as they have many choices and decisions to sift through. Give them wisdom and your strength. Give them unity and peace, Lord. A peace that passes all understanding. Bless them Lord as they seek Your direction and guidance. I thank you for them. They are such a blessing. My heart is heavy for them, God. Please ease all trouble minds and hearts tonight as we are all praying for Caleb and his family. Bring us all peace Lord. Amen. 

Monday, February 22, 2010

Finding the positive...cause there is LOTS there.

I was thinking about the stuff I had been posting on facebook today, most of it seemed negative in someway.

Kids acting out BAD, Hubby backed into the van w/the boss's plow truck...

So I am gonna take a moment to refresh my positivity for the day.

1. Collin (8 years old) made lunch almost completely by himself! I supervised, but not the whole time. He browned the hamburger, measured the water, and stirred together the hamburger helper. He boiled the water, opened the boxes and dumped in the macaroni for mac and cheese. He opened the cheese powder, w/out spilling it all over! He set the table including getting out salad and raw veggies. Later on he did the dishes too. He also picked up his "saloon" he made in the basement out of folding chairs, a table, a baby gate, and playing cards. VERY inventive idea that blocked my way to my laundry room and he was done playing with it. He also read his books tonight, too.When reminded he put away his snow suit and boots after coming in from outside.

2. Corey (12 years old) made a cake completely by himself. He preheated the oven. Remembered to put the eggs in it. Greased the pan. Put the cake in the oven. Tested it for doneness. Took it out of the oven. ALL by himself. I did not even supervise. I was outside. He also cleared the snow off the van and played outside with Collin rather well, despite the all day "slug" fest we had been having. He hung up his coat and snow pants and put his boots and mittens away too.

3. Elaine (5 years old) picked up her barbies when told. As well as more of the living room. She helped set the table and clear the table. She filled the hole back in, that she tore out of the cake. Stretching for more on that one.. ;) She went to her bed and took her nap when told. She read her books tonight. When she acted wrong and was corrected she stopped.

4. Lindsey (my dear husband) made it to work 15 minutes early today! He worked hard, plowing the parking lot at work most of the day. And did his other workday duties. He took the movies back the library and picked out new ones. He came home and could not get in the driveway, so he went to his boss's house to borrow his plow truck. He did not totally kill my van when he backed into it with the plow truck ;) He took the Lawson's milk to them, they live next door to his boss. He went back to the Lawson's, selflessly, to offer help. After all that he vegged out on the couch most of the evening, much deserved I would say. He has been making an effort for weeks to take his shoes off in the basement.

So, point being when I really take a look back on this crazy "negative" day there were MANY things that were positive. Choosing to be grateful tonight for things both big and small.

I was able to connect with many friends today. Received many smiles and laughs. Life is good...breathing in that slow breath of contentment. Ahhhh.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Twice in one night but this is soooo funny!

Lindsey, "How do you spell Merciful?"

Me fast, "m e r c i f u l"

Lindsey, "wow hold on m e r s"

Me, "No c"

Lindsey, "OK, m e r c i f l"

Me, "No, f u."

cue laughter....

Short but Sweet

Collin(8 years old) , "Hey I did my work. I picked up my chest"

He meant chess.

Me, "Really, was it heavy?"

Collin, "haha mom."

Friday, February 12, 2010

Ton of Bricks?

Sometimes it creeps up on me. Others it hits me like a ton of bricks. Tonight it feels like a bit of both.

I get these moments where I miss my mom more than I can explain.

Tonight it came on slowly, I didn't realize it was creeping up. Then it hit me all at once what was happening, what I was realizing. I want to feel loved by someone and love someone so much that I would feel as if I had died if they did.

I remember in highschool dating and when I left my boyfriends house he would ask me to call him when I got home. So he knew I made it home safely. And he would do the same for me. An old love would look out his window at me as I left. This made me feel safe and secure. As if he wanted to make sure I made it to my car ok and all was well. It made me feel loved. As if he wanted to see me for one last moment before I left. It would make my soul smile with love and contentment and security.

Last Tuesday my neighbors came over and told me that someone had been driving by my house and video taping it. I was home alone and freaked out. I called a friend. I freaked out some more.

Tonight at 11 pm on my way out to milk the goat a car was driving by slow. Honked once and drove in my drive way. I set my water bucket down and went up to the car. It was a car shaped like an old loves car. A love that I thought I had a chance of having that kind of love with. It of course was not him, it was an older couple asking questions about the house for sale next door. Seriously, people, 11pm at night? Anyway, I was more upset that my mind went to feeling ignored and wanting to feel so loved. That I allowed my mind to think it could have been that old love coming out at that time of night.

I stood in my milk barn and cried for what could have been. For longing for someone to love me so much that it hurts. Lindsey loves me. Don't get me wrong. It's just not the same love I long for. That I feel I have never fully had.

So while I washed my dishes I asked Lindsey if he has ever loved someone so much that it would feel like he had died if they did. He said, "yes." I asked him what did he do about it. He misunderstood me and told me he probably would die. He thought I said what WOULD he do about it. I said NO what DID you do about it. He had no response.  I know he was trying to say he loved me that way. So, why don't I feel it? Why can't he come up with a reason what he DID with that feeling? If he feels that way, why doesn't it show?

So, I dropped it and silently finished my dishes. Then I sat down to the computer and I thought this through. It dawned on me, I have been humanly loved that much before. I just never got to tell her I knew she loved me that much. I am talking about my mothers love for me. I sat here and cried for her. Crying for a way to get that out. The words to explain that feeling.

I was not always kind to her. I called her a bitch and told her I hated her. That it was her fault my boyfriend had broken up with me. I left her more than once.  Always for a guy. Put her on the back burner. Left her wondering if I was dead or alive.  She always took me back. She never judged me. She never said hateful things to me.  She loved me like NO other could.

I miss her.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Keeping a life?

Well in an effort to be so busy I won't have time to clean house, but will need to anyway. I am going to be taking and hosting some classes over the next couple months :D

Starting the First Thursday in March I am going to take a cake decorating class at Michael's. It goes for all the Thursday's in March.

Then the Last Tuesday in March I start hosting cheese making class at my home for 6 weeks. SO, for 6 weeks I will have a fairly clean house for these strangers to come into ;)

I still want to keep knitting, crocheting, working out, getting together w/friends, reading my bible (sigh been neglectful of this one), and just living day to day life. It's only one night a week for 10 weeks. I am sure it will be fine. The Thursday one is probably more difficult to swing than the Tuesday's at my house for cheese. Tuesday's my family is already preoccupied at church. Which means Tuesday's was my free night to myself. Figured I better plan something better than Gyno visits and dentist appointments;)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I have been thinking a bit lately about how I connect with people. 

Thinking in tech terms. I use face book walls, inbox, and chat, email, and sms messaging from my computer to a cell phone text thing. I don't text from my cell phone, its ancient and pay per use. I call people on their cell phones and occasionally receive calls on my cell phone.

But when it comes down to it my favorite method of connecting to people is face to face. If face to face is not possible from distance or time constraints I enjoy phone calls. Calling or sitting together seems so much more personally and time consuming. I like to text and chat online when I want to be able to walk away from the conversation and no big deal. But when I want to feel more connected and cared for I want to talk to you on the phone. I want your undivided attention. I want to give you mine.

I like to look into people eyes and see them. Hear them. Reach out and touch them.

But then there are moments I am in a room full of people and still feel alone. Not getting that connection with anyone. You know the feeling where your soul just smiles. That is a feeling I crave at times. I can go with out, but would prefer to have it, daily if possible.

Friday, February 5, 2010


You ever get the feeling that the people that are closest to you treat you the worst?

Whether it is our friends or family. I think at one point in our lives we are all guilty of giving less than our best to the ones we love the most.

We get tired, worn down, and cranky. Particularly with those we MUST co-habitat with. Those we can't escape for longer than a few hours at a time. Sometimes we get a rare overnight or weekend away or we may have spouses that have to go out of town for work. I think that would make me even more cranky. I would be tempted to dump all the problems from the time he was away on him the second he walked in the door. That would get awful hairy, awful fast.

I know there are times when I know exactly what Lindsey is trying to tell me, but I ask the obvious questions anyway. Like tonight, he tells me he is going to air up the flat tire and drive it work. I asked him WHY? . I figured he was going to take it there to put the spare on and take the flat off,  but would not have put it past him to try to fix the flat. We have a warranty on the tire, so he can't try to repair it or it would void the warranty. So, that is what I was getting at with the WHY?. And my questions always seem to irritate him. He pretends he already gave the answer to the question I asked and gets offended and put off. I get short and snippy answers from him. He tells me why and then says that he already said that. I tell him no he didn't. He'll tell me yes he did, in his head, he mumbles under his breath. I am sure he sensed my tiny amount of doubt in what his plans were and knew that is why I was asking for clarification. So, he "snapped".

I have learned how to get my questions answered, without it sounding like doubt. Sometimes I am doubting him, sometimes I just want to know the "plan". More often than not, I want to know the plan. More often than not, our plans don't agree. Which then he feels doubted or unimportant. Then so do I. On and on the cycle goes. Of feeling that our own needs/desires are greater/better than the other persons.

So, here I am after having been treated less than lovingly and being less than respectful, feeling guilty.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Waiting room

I remembered something awefully funny from my annual exam last Tuesday and had to share it here.

Short, but jaw droppingly silly.

I take my "bag of crafts" with me when I am gona be waiting, so I can crochet. Why yes, I will make a lovely old lady hush.  Well it helps me mind my own business too, cause if I just sat there I would talk to some stranger about life.

There was a lady about 40 years old waiting with her younger relative of some sort. They were talking loudly about to each other about things that sounded like they both already new, but wanted everyone else to know, too. You know the type. Talks just to hear their selves. Again, hush. I know that is easily my type, too.

There was a mexican family that spoke very limited English. A man, a woman, and their little 2 year old boy. He was very curious and exploring the waiting room. Very cute and quiet. So, the 40 year old loud woman decides its necessary to try to get him to talk. She loudly asks him his name. No response. She loudly asks him how old he is. No response. She asks him if he is gona talk to her. No response. She asks his parents his name. Asks his age. Asks if he is shy. They said, "No." This goes on for a good 10-15 minutes. When she decides to see if he wants to be read a book that is on the coffee table. He shows no interest. But she is not the type to take no for an answer. So she reads the title of the book to him. "Stranger Danger" OH it was too precious! The laughter died down after a few minutes and she was back at it trying to get him to talk to her.

I think she just should have brought her crocheting. Nuff said.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Party Animal

I am such a party animal.

I get Tuesday evenings to myself now. Was gona be our "date" night, but I have been ditched for the teens and the gym at church. We were not doing good at spending time together on Tuesday's anyway, so it's probably good to spread the guy around a bit.

So, what do I do with my blessed alone time? Well this week I had a tooth prepped for a crown, went to the library, and then picked up some groceries. When I got home I put away groceries, ate leftoever dinner that was still sitting on the table from the rest of the family that I made before I left, but did not have time to eat with the family, and then put away the food and started dishes. Then of course I got on facebook and started bloggin this.

Last week was JUST as thrillin. But replace the library and the Dentist with my annual Gyno exam.

I need to get a life! Well atleast on Tuesdays.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Alien three legged monkey!

My family must really love me. They must to put up with my kooky antics. I have been planning a birthday party for a week or so in my mind. Then a couple days ago I decided "Why not?" I threw a "Not birthday party". How much wierder can I get?

My family loves this idea, cause not only can we take time to remember a friend dear to me, but they get cake and ice cream of course. Don't worry Joel, we will eat enough that you don't have to feel bad for not wanting a single bite ...  :-)  Even Lindsey was excited and sang Happy Birthday to you, Joel. When the camera charges up you can see the rest of the fun.

Around here I have been looking for "excuses" to make cute cakes... but they need to be "genuine" excuses. Not made up ones. Kooky ones, yes. But never made up.

So, to set it out there for those that have not been in on my planning and thought processes on this one.

We are throwing my online friend a birthday party, Joel. I met Joel in an online kids game and he was a monkey. So the party has a monkey theme. Joel lives in Nebraska and will not be at the party, he will not partake in the cake and ice cream, nor will he get to open his gift on his birthday either. I am queen of proscratination after all so it was mailed Thursday at 9pm. He does not even know I am planning this or doing this. The party will be over before I post this. He may not even see this until after his actual birthday. So, you wonder why? Cause I like to make cakes and I like to think of my friends and do wierd crazy things "for" them. I already have requests for more "Not birthday parties" for other friends...sorry guys that was a one time thing to do because the circumstances were right. I also don't see a repeat of the virtual birthday party any where in my future. I like to keep crazy things special.

I will add pics and possibly a video of us singing happy birthday to Joel...ya I am crazy like that. Hopefully this is as fun to read about as it has been to do! Enjoy! the party is over and the fun was, well fun!

We decided to have the party "right" and have dinner too! Sorry Joel we did not spring for Taco Bell. Corey made the dinner though. He cooked steak and mac n cheese. I added corn to the mix to try to be a bit more healthy :-)  Here is "your" plate.

As you can see I got out the "fine" throw away china for you! After all I had to do dishes in the bathtub afterwards. Also I cut your steak Anyway of course this is actually my plate..but was fun playin around.

After dinner I milked the goats while the kids cleared the table. Then when I came in I actually made them clear the table, cause you gotta know my kids are not gona clear the table while I am not hawking over them. I did the dishes in the bathtub (yup no kitchen faucet still). Then we sang Happy Birthday to you, Joel.

OK so here is the "Three legged alien monkey". Corey named the cake after I asked him what he thought of it. Sigh.
Some other "party time fun" pics.  Yes it is Chocolate cake...I knew you would not mind Elaine picking the flavor since you would not eat it anyway ..hehe. Then of course we ate ice cream in your honor, even though you may not have partaked.

Collin was crossing his eyes and I think Elaine was cheesing a bit too

I tried to upload the video of us singing happy birthday and the camera died! no extra battery means waiting. OH well. Not sure I can figure out how to get it on here anyway. anyone else know?

Thank you for being a Philippians 4:14 friend! Sharing in my joys and sorrows. You help make all of our lives more enjoyable in your own little way. I hope you realize how many people you have touched just by lending an ear to me. Add in some advice that is sometimes hard to swallow, but always from the heart and you have my monkey. Hope your birthday was as much fun for YOU as it was for US!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The time of year

This time of year seems everyone is looking back and evaluating the past year. Making changes in their lives to improve upon the mistakes they have made or to increase the joy's they have experienced.

I am no exception to this.  As part of that I get this ancey stagnant feeling about me this time of year. I yearn for growth. For a new project. For new friendships or renewed deeper ones.

Tonight as I look over the progress I have made just in these few short days, I sit back and say, "ahhh, this is good. This is life. Ups and downs. Life."

I am typing this with a cup of hot cocoa at my side that my dearest husband Lindsey brought me. I think of the lazy susan cupboard that has been broken for more than 6 months that he spontaneously fixed a few nights ago with no prompting from me. NO more kicking it to get it to open! But mostly I am thinking of our finances.

Unlike most Americans this day and age we have no credit card debt or car loans. We have a small emergency fund to draw on for mishaps. But we have not seen growth in this area in sometime. The credit cards and car loans have long been gone. We have used alot of funds to secure our new home we are in and make needed repairs to it. But I feel stagnant, financially.

We had a speaker from Crown Financial Ministries come to MOPS this last Thursday. I so enjoyed his speech and information that I came home and checked out their website. Lindsey and I have been going through the Crown Money Map. A free resource available from Crown. I am loving how it is helping us communicate about money, life goals, and more importantly connect with God again, together.

We are making a financial statement of assets and determining our net worth. Making a list of assets is an eye opener of what we really do have of value and where our money has been going. We are evaluating how much life insurance we may want to purchase. Also, we are working on memory verses together!

I would suggest to anyone going through financial hard times or lack of growth or if you just desire more growth to look at Crowns Spending Plan. We have been going through this as a couple. It has valuable information in it to help you achieve True Financial freedom. An added bonus for us has been growth together, communication, and respect.

I hope that this might help someone out there find peace.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


We will see how long that lasts. I am no good at it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Happy Birthday?

On December 31st my dear friend Sara was getting Happy Birthday wishes on her facebook wall. Her birthday is November 8th. She very politly told the well wishers, "Thanks, but its not my birthday".

Then somehow the converstation turned to cake or rather the lack there of.  She whined that she had no cake, so I fixed that. I had the need to make a practice cake for my nieces baby shower next month anyway. So, instead I made a "Not Birthday cake".

So, with a cake this darn cute you have to have a full blown PARTY.  So, the decorating was done around 3:30pm with her husband Terry getting off work at 4pm that was perfect timing!  I grabbed a "stray" present out of the present box and wrapped it up, christmas paper of course. We stopped at felpauch and got paper plates and cups, ice cream, and pop.  Then invaded Sara's house.

All things are funner with friends, so I kidnapped her oldest daughter Courtney to stay the night and bake the New Year in. While she was getting ready, Terry and Sara were telling me how 8 year old Hannah had gone on an outing with some friends and came home with money! I said, "Oh so they are paying her to be their friend!" Terry says, "Thats why we don't have many friends. We don't have any money to pay them."  We are all laughing. Then Sara says something about me having friends cause I pay them with not birthday parties and presents.

So, Courtney I had a wonderful night of baking and then she made my family breakfast while I slept in! yeah!!!  Eventually I took her home. I was standing in the Grants kitchen and Terry hands me a stack of jeans. I say, "What is this for?"  He says, "Its your payment, we want friends too."  OH how I laughed. 

Well that is the story that goes with the next blog about the Jeans that were one size bigger than my current fat jeans, but they fit me!


So, as most of us fluffy women do this time of year and even some not so fluffy ones, I have been examining my eating and excercise habits.

I now have carrots, salad, oranges, tomatoes, and NO cookies in the house.  I am controlling portion control as well. NO more baggies full of venision Jerky sitting by the computer to be engulfed into my mouth in less than a half hours time.  I did allow myself 2 taco's at dinner on Monday laden with lettuce and tomato. Just the way I love my taco's..yum yum.

I know I need to excercise more as well, that part will be coming. I want to work on strength training and toning. And work in some cardio too.

I know all the right answers to be healthy, but often put them to the wayside. I feel better already after about a week at this portion control and healthy food choices thing. I am reaching for an orange instead of yet another bowl of cereal. Eating 2 pieces of toasted raisin bread, instead of my normal 4.  I was starting to get my constant indigestion and heatburn that comes from bad eating and excess weight. YUCK.

I had some friends give me a stack of pants as payment to keep being their friend (long story ask me about it, its funny maybe I should blog about that too!). Well the pants fit, most of them. AND they were a size BIGGER than I was currently wearing. So, something had to give!

The scale already shows about a 10 lb weight lose. But I have always been able to drop these first 10-20 lbs very fast...then I level out. When I start adding in bad foods again and beef up my strength training/muscle building excercises.  THEN I get stuck! I stop I give up. I feel better and I want the GOOD food.

I am going on vacation in August (most likely) and would like to look 1/2 way decent in swimsuit pics! SOO, here we are trying to get back into what used to be my fat jeans and out of the WAY TOO FAT JEANS!