Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanks to my husband...

On facebook people are doing a little thing... "Today I am thankful for....." and putting it on their status. Once a day from now until Thanksgiving. I decided to join in, but with a twist. I am using my daily thankfuls to remind myself of all the wonderful things my husband does and stands for. I am trying to them from things he did or expressed on the day I post it to make it more meaningful. Not just some generic thanks that everyone can come up with.

Here I am going to compile those facebook posts and publish them on or around Thanksgiving.
I have a few personal goals in doing this little venture. 1) that I will be more thankful for him. 2) that others may look at their spouses, friends, and family with more thankful eyes.

11/10 - I am thankful for a husband who will skip through parking lots with me arm in arm and sing "we're off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of oz" :D  Yup did it in the church parking lot on the way to the van from dropping the kids off for choir. He did this little skip thing himself and I was about to bark at him for looking goofy, when something clicked in my brain and said WHY NOT...I grabbed his arm and he instantly started skipping with me as we sang.

11/11 - I am thankful for a husband who gets out of bed every morning 6 days a week and goes to work to bring "home the bacon". Even when he sleeps in an extra 2 hours.... ;)  Yes he slept in on this day 2 hours. I normally allow myself to become frustrated with him when he does this. Today I choose to be thankful that he is a good provider. There is always enough money to pay the bills and he either works over or works extra on Saturday. This week even gets an extra 8 hours pay for his wooped dee doo if he sleeps in 2 hours :).

11/12 - Today, On a garbage day that my husband finally remembers to take the garbage down to the road. I am reminded that I am THANKFUL that he is FORGETFUL. His forgetful nature allows him to forget MY sins. I have done so many aweful horrible sinful things TO my husband and he is gracious and forgetful enough to wipe my slat clean. My mind never escapes the things I have done to him, but his does. Thank you God for giving me a husband perfect for me.

11/13 Today I am thankful for a husband who lets me be me, and loves me anyway.

11/14 Today I am thankful for a husband who will parent his children while I go out for lunch and a movie :D

11/15 Yesterday I was on, but not so awake to life. So, I forgot to put up my "thankful message" Yesterday I was thankful for a husband who allows me the freedom to talk to whoever I want as late as I want.

11/16 Today I am thankful for a husband who made me breakfast in bed...even the totally weird combination of unsalted soft pretzel with cold pizza sauce and scrambled eggs. Dunno where that idea came from but that's what he brought me. hehe

11/17 Today I am thankful for a husband who hunts deer, shot one and tracked it for hours with him to no aval :( but we live to hunt another day.

11/18 Today I am thankful for a husband who cut the brownies I made...ya pretty shallow but's it all I got tonight..feeling rather negative and trying hard to not be.

11/19 struggling today with this.... Today I am thankful for a husband who took the garbage down to the road...afraid that means he might be getting a better memory. Lord keep his eyes for me free from my sins. Help him to keep forgetting my sin nature.

11/20 Thankful for my husband who is out back hunting..but won't get mad when I send a boy back there in a few to tell him me and the boy need to go to the chiropractor...corey needs x-rays this time and not gona take all the kids. He flipped off the couch rather weird a week or so ago and it's still bothering him. anywho...I know he wont get mad..thinking positive here :) lol

11/21 oops forgot my thankful message again yesterday :( soo. Today I am thankful for a husband who is willing to shave a balloon. Had a Family movie, PJ night at the church. With intermission games. Lindsey shaved a ballon...all ballon games. fun fun fun.

11/22 Today I am thankful for a husband who loves work so much that he got up this morning before me, got dressed for work, got in his car, drove down the road to work, until he heard the radio station say it was time for Hymn time country..LOL. btw he doesn't work Sundays.

11/23 Today I am thankful for a husband who put his daughter to bed tonight.

11/24 did that whole forget to do my thankful message again thing...but this time I forgot tuesday and was about to forget wednesdays... so Tuesday- I am thankful for a husband who is just gona have to understand that I am gona be pissy for awhile.

11/25 Today I am thankful for a husband that annoys me thoroughly.

Well that concludes my list..I am sorry I am not in a very loving mood tonight..but I dont see that changing anytime just deal.

Hope you enjoyed my list. I enjoyed digging in my brain on some days to come up with a meaningful thankful thing that happened on that day..not just some stand by generic thankful thing.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Wanna blog...

I have nothing profound to say. I just wanna blog. So this random and probably scattered writing will take it's own form as is I drag on about nothing :) ENJOY!

Elaine has fallen asleep at my feet. She laid on the floor to get into a comfortable position to color in her coloring book, that she found when she went to retrieve her AWANA cubbies book. She has crayons all over the floor and her head on her coloring boook. So adorable!

Collin and Corey are outside. I was tired of the wrestling in the house..I told them I did not want blood on the floor and to take it OUTSIDE. Usually more room to run and play solves the keep your hands to yourselves dilemia. So they are out on in the pines playing..or close them atleast. I think they are in the far shed where the go karts are being stored. Playing some war game. fun fun fun.

Mom is listening to music from a fellow bloggers site. It has alot of good praise music and other great songs too, so good. Enjoying my quiet time. Dishes from lunch are still on the table. Loads of milk in the fridge cries out to be turned into cheese. The carpets could used vaccumed. The bathroom needs cleaned. The hard floors need swept and mopped. For once I can say that I dont NEED to do laundry :)  But right now, it can wait.

Tomorrow is Felicia's funeral.  Be praying for everyone. The funeral is gona be at my church. With a lunch after the burial and no clue as to how many people might come. Tragedy of young life lost...a life so loved and lived fully. I am sure there will be more people than we could expect. I was overwhelmed at my parents funeral. I would think that there were over 300 if not over 400. The funeral home had to open up 2 addtional rooms and had people just standing in the lobby as well as people sitting in the "refreshements/tv room". It was crazy nuts. Alot of the teachers from my school were there, ex-boyfriends galore, my dad's friends, my moms friends, family, my dad's work buddies, hunting buddies, drug buddies....and then the visitation, too many faces.  I pray the family has time to grieve through all the faces. I pray they understand that they don't need to make all the many faces feel welcome, rather it is their time to say goodbye and to celebrate Fee Fee's life. 

The boys have come in and Lindsey should be home soon. Corey and I have another chiro appointment again today. Although first Monday back after vacation..might be a long day, but he knows I want to go without the other we will see how much longer he will be.  Guess quiet time is over.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Cleaning the Fridge

When I cleaned my fridge the other day..ok last week. I was thinking of the different types of cleaning I do to my fridge. Sometimes it's just tossing out the old leftovers. Others something may have spilt on the shelf and I push everything to one side and wipe it up. Then at times it goes as far as taking everything out and checking dates, wiping it all down, drying it all and put it all back all orgainized.

God has been cleaning my "fridge" and I have been fighting it.

He also cleans us to different degrees. He tosses out the leftovers, when He forces us to examine how we spend our time and our attitudes. At these times I am convicted of needing to spend more time with Him and less on the computer. Or more time with my kids. It's when I am abrupt, unloving and impatient. But it has not gotten too bad. I have not been too neglectful of my "fridge". So He just prods me and shows me my way back easily. Just a few leftovers to throw out, no harm no foul.

Then when something has gotten spilt, Sin has stepped into my life. And He takes the time to show me it and give me the opportunity to remove it. He is there with me to help me remove it, but I must do the work. I must push everything else aside and grow with Him. Let him clean up the mess I have made.

When I have not paid attention to my fridge in awhile it will be full of spills, sin. Usually ones I cling to, I relish in. Ones I hide from most of the world. Ones I am ashamed to tell my closest friends. Ones that I joke about with my closest friends to make it seem less sinful. But I still sin. I keep going back to it, over and over again. I allow myself to be comfortable with it. To make excuses to make it feel right. But inside, I feel dead and alone. Alone and away from God.

It's then when I am at the bottom of the bottom that He wants me to take everything out of the fridge. He wants me to examine the dates, see the expired items (deep long term sin) and remove them from my life. He wants me to take out the drawers wash them of all their filth. He wants me to let go of toxic relationships I cling to. He wants me to love deeper. He wants me to give up my anger. He wants me to forgive myself of things He has forgiven me for. I keep the sin and I run to it. I enjoy it like a child enjoys candy. I know God knows best for me, but I resist. I resist with all my might. Until one day my fridge will be such a science experiment even the most experienced toxic waste specialist would not want to touch it.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Last words....

God knows just what I need when I need it. He knows me inside and out, He made me. Help me Lord.

Today, I have been fighting the tears all day. I have let them come some. It's just a blah day. My niece's good friend died in a car accident last night. Fee Fee was 17 years old, a senior in highschool, an only child, so young, so loved.

How do I help my niece mourn her friend? How do I treasure my friends and family more? How do I help my niece understand how to live one day at a time, cherishing every moment? BUT to still plan for tomorrow?  I struggle with how to make that work myself.

I have friends I wish I could see more, distance or circumstances don't allow for it. Do you ever wonder what your last words to your treasured friends will be?  I have people in my life I want to just sit with and exist with, hold them and I can't. People that are alive, people that are not.

I have walked away from my family when I was my nieces age, 18. The thing that rings in my ears when I look back in shame is my sisters words, "I thought you loved your niece, how could you just run away from her?"  She was only 3 at the time. I did and do love her dearly. I was young and dumb.

So, how do I tell her to live one day at a time and treasure the moments, when I have been such a failure at it. I time and time again do not make time to just exist with friends. I am a doer. I feel I need "excuses" to visit people, then I have 1,000 excuses why I can't. I don't wanna be an inconvience, not enough time, money, tired, busy, the feeling I am not meeting needs of others, not sure they want me around....the excuse list goes on and on. But it's all just excuses. Excuses to keep to myself and not love fully, not live daily. Excuses to not put myself out there to be loved and love soo much it hurts.

I have hated the word "bye" since I was about 15 years old. It sounds too final and is not the last thing I want to hear from someone. My conversations do not need to always be deep and intense. I love my conversations with my bestest friends where we talk about nothing and feels like everything got said.

Let me challenge you today to live fuller, love deeper. Inspite of yourself. Don't let you last words be fighting words. Say nothing and everything all at the same time. Take time to hold your friends and family. Take time to feel their love, through words and touch. Even when disagreeing speak the truth in love.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My list....

I have had this list in my head for sometime. Call me crazy for putting it out there for all to see. But I am all about living outloud on here. Maybe some other soul will see this and have done the same as me and not feel so abnormal. As abnormal as I do.

This list started as I thought about if I would remarry if Lindsey died before me. Genetic chances are in favor of him dieing before me. His dad died young. His mom died young and so did his older sister, but that is complicated so not really a factor. Just saying is all. The women in my family die OLD. Plus he insists he would go crazy with out me, there for he must die before me. Knowing God will only give us what we can handle. I have a feeling he is right.

So as I go threw my marriage with him I look and and I watch. I see things I would not want to spend the rest of my life with and things I could not do without. So, I dont think I would "date" in the normal fashion. Instead I have invented a list of "qualifications" the next guy would need to meet.  Ya, I know when u put them all together it would take an act of God to make a man like this. So I will die an old widow, never remarrying. OR my list will adjust. Either option I am sure I would be open to. Well with all that said, here it goes my list....

OK now call ME stupid for NOT putting it out there. I had started this one a few days ago also. 

Tonight I thought about this more. I think another reason I have this list is because I am afraid to love him so much that it will feel like I am dieing when he does. He deserves to be loved that deeply. But I felt if I always had this "list" of what I would change or keep then somehow I might not hurt as bad. I might be able to move on faster, if I already started moving on before.

So tonight instead of typing out my list...I am trying to forget it ever exsisted.  I am going to start loving him in the living, just as he is. Just as God made him and hand picked him for me. Sure we both have growth that needs to happen. But God will work that out in His timing.

My list may rear it's ugly head again someday. I pray if that happens I will get my wits about me and realize again that I have a wonderful husband to love right in front me. I don't need to dream up what I want in the next one.  It is soooo hard to love that deeply. I have never loved anyone that much. So much I am prepared for them to be my only one. I fear him leaving me so much that it is easier to not let him in that deep in the first place.  Tonight I choose to let him in.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Be real with me...

If you are my friend you will know I often have what some people would think of as "boundary issues".

I personally do not see an issue with that. I call it being real with you. I don't want to live two lives. One that is acceptable to "society" and one that is really happening.

I don't want to hide behind a fake smile or a fake frown.  There are times in my life when I should be happy and I am lousey and  miserable. Others times I am happy and laughing and people look at me like I am crazy. They thought I had to be insane to laugh at my parents funeral. I did not cry AT their funeral either. Well not out of sadness. I did get really pissed off at one family member and I may have cried tears of madness for a short time. I was overwhelmed with how many people were there, I am not a "public crier", so I was not gona put on a fake set of tears just to make you all happy to see me cry. Sorry not gona be fake.

If I want to call someone, I will call them. If I want to send you 3 or more email messages in one day, I will. I have often called myself "clingy". If I think of you, I will pray for you. I don't like to play "head games". I have tried to stay away and not have as much contact with someone if I am not getting any response, if I feel it is one sided, when I feel extra clingy. I do sometimes get forgetful. I have thought of someone, wanted to call or email, and NOT had the time or put it off. So do not read this and think, "Oh I have not heard from her in awhile she doesn't want to talk to me."  That being said there are some of my friends that I don't want to talk to all the time sorry if that might be you. It's just life and the way it is.

Of course I don't let everyone into my "circle". I think of Jesus's example of friendship. He had thousands and thousands of followers and people that wished to be close to Him. He could not be everywhere and everything for everyone. Even amongst his 12 disciples He had his "favorites". He knew Judas would betray him, but He still allowed Him in His life. That had to be hard.

I have a very select few that I feel "incomplete" if I have not talked to them at least once a day. Then others, like my sister or my kids I need to talk to them several times a day. Usually through one sentence emails passed back and forth that say almost nothing. But it also includes a phone call, chatting online..etc..

I am not sure where I was going with this, if anywhere. I started this blog 5 days ago and got distracted.

I will continue to have my boundary "issues" as I don't mind them. I just choose friends that are like minded and love me for being open and honest. God made me exactly who I am, I am not gona try to be something I am not.

Monday, November 9, 2009


I have a thousand things swimming threw my head that I have thought of writing about today. I have hard time picking just one.

I decided since today is the anniversary of my parents death and so many of my friends have been doing these "x random things about me" things. I was talking to a friend about memories and I am going to do a X random things about my dad blog. So here it goes. As I remember him.

1. He often fell asleep in odd places. Once falling into the open and on oven. He burnt his butt for that one.  Often falling off the toilet when he fell asleep there!

2. He wore bib overalls all the time. Even to my sister wedding. He just put the suit coat that he wore in HIS wedding over top of it. He could not button the suit coat, of course. As he wieghed about 100 plus lbs more than when HE got married.

3. I loved it when he sang Ted Nugents "Cat Scratch Fever".

4. He liked watching know the one with Hulk Hogan and Andre' the Giant. When wrestling was good.

5. He played the lotto faithfully and never won big.

6. He was a great hunter. He taught me how.

7. He got drunk with his friends one day and decided to dig us a Then built a new bedroom and bathroom over the hole. He dug the whole thing by hand...of course it was not done in one day.

8. He loved to fish. From a dock, from a boat, ice fishing...he loved it all. He had a really cool homemade ice shanty. I loved ice skating around the shanty when I did not feel like fishing.

9. My mom and aunt once made him and my uncle take a boat out on the ice fishing when they insisted on fishing when the "women" felt the ice was too thin.

10. He smoked pot and I hated that about him.

11. He loved the Upper Pennisula. We vacationed there every year.

12. He and my mom once thought about moving out west. So they went on a trip to "scout" it out. That is the only time I remember them going away with out us.

13. He had a beard that he hardly ever trimmed. Was gruffy and grizzly Adams looking.

14. I once got stabbed with a fork by him for reaching for the last piece of something at dinner...I remember it being chicken. My sister remembers it being pizza.

15.  Bradford White was his place of employment for as long as I can remember. But I was told he had numberous other jobs before he settled down.

16. One of those other jobs consisted of "drilling" in the ground for something..water or oil..not sure. I think water. One time while drilling his pants got caught in the drill and ripped off of him. Thank God. Or he may have died. He had to walk accross the ladies lawn that he was working at to his vehicle in his tighty whities. Is how I recall the story.

17. He has 3 brothers and 2 sisters. All of which are currently married.

18. I don't remember him mowing the lawn. Either mom or us did it.

19. Although I am sure we grumbled. BUT Some of my favorite memories of him where when we would go cut wood and hunt for rabbits or squirrel afterwards.

20. I don't remember his hugs or kisses. I am sure they happened, I just can't recall what his embrace felt like. I know he hugged and kissed my mom.

I guess that will be the last one.  I dont want end all funny or on a "bad note". I don't intend for any of my memories or lack there of to offend anyone that knew him. So don't offend me by tanting or trying to change MY memories. This is how I remember him. But please feel free to share YOUR personal memories of him. Just don't dilute or discount mine.

I love both him and my mother deeply.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A Mile in My Shoes

I have been dreaming of doing this for months here it goes.

When I take a walk up the stop sign and back it is a mile. I want to share my scenery and thoughts with you.

Leaving the driveway. Elaine looks back at me to cheese it up for the camera. The kids ride there bikes and I walk.

And we're  off.

It doesn't take them long to get ahead of mom :)

SO, we have our special sign we stop at and wait for mom. This was the very first time that Elaine actually kept up with the boys. She normally hangs back with me :)

Collin insisted this was "Bob" our long dead bantam rooster. It is a Robin. You will get to see all of the road kill. As that is what we do when we take our walks. Stop to take in the road kill :)  This is was our freshest find.

I am leaving this one bigger so you can see "the tree that is carrying an arm load of wood."  That is what Collin calls it. There is quite a bit of wood sitting on the branch to the left.

Collin, "There is ants, I should of brought my gloves."
There is a down limb and being a good citzen, Collin takes it upon himself to make sure none of it is in the road.

"My work is done here."

As promised, more road kill. This we have been watching decompose and get eaten for a few weeks or more. I think all that is left is the furry stuff.

 The bar at the end of my road. Country Fever Dance Bar. It sits where the old Assyria Saw Mill was at. I never seen the saw mill in operation.  But the red building with the white words is part of it.

The Paint on the road that is almost to the stop sign that marks the spot I turn around at. I dont like to go all the way to the stop sign. M-66 is a busy street and I don't like the kids getting close to it. They even turn around a few feet before this mark at the driveway of the bar.

 Assyria cementary at the end of our road accross M-66. I might be buried there one day, who knows. But for only $10 a plot for landowners in the township..I think it is a pretty good possibility.

Um. Yeah. My shoes. Figured out about half way threw our walk that it might be easier for you to walk a mile in my shoes if you could see them :) lol

"Mom, come take a picture of this dead thing."

Collin, "I think it is the spine of the dead thing up there."

The dead thing "up there".  We have been watching this one for sometime...while this is the first walk we seen the spine above.

I wonder who mows this path and if it goes to something more than a field or someones hunting spot.

A swampy area on the other side of the street that I did not take a picture of on the way to the stop sign as there was traffic and I felt dumb taking a pic of a small swamp. :)

I think u know by now, but just in case. More dead stuff.

Mashed down weeds...I believe the deer bed down here and/or come out of this swamp from this spot by the end of this fence.

Stopping for cat tails. I miss you mommy.

The nieghbor to your left's new pole barn. They put it up this summer. I want one :)

Floppy cat tail.

Neighbor accross the streets house.

Home sweet home.

Neighbor to the left of us.

Thee large rock at the end of the driveway next to my mail box.  Yes the driveway really is there under all the leaves...before the rock.

Coming up the driveway. Home at last :)

I did go out back and take some pics of my girls and my favorite rooster..but frankly I am done I might just post those on fb. We'll see....Hope you enjoyed your walk with us.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Thanks be to my Father

I am often falling off the path to what is good and pure and right.

Just feeling thankful to my Lord for good friends to show me the way back.

I wish I had something profound to say to add to that to encourage someone else..but my words escape me tonight. Yet I still wanted to blog about this. To make my path back more clear, more solid.

While taking communion tonight my mind would not escape I Corinthians 11:31-32 But if we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world. 

While the reason I opened to that page was to read the Lords Supper eyes could not escape the other passage.  Over and over again I read that passage trying to commit it to memory.

All to often people think we should NOT judge one another. But we should. So that in that the Lord can change us. Bring us back to HIM. Because as these verses say, IF we were rightly judging ourselves, aka living right, we would NOT be judged. 

Thank you to those you have listened to me. Who, without condemning me,  have judged me. Judged me back to MYSELF. My TRUE self. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know what I stand for and believe in.