It just hit me. I know where, besides premenstrual, all my anger was coming from today. I also was having moments of EXTREME sadness.
I was missing my mom and angry at my dad. I had "thee talk" with my friend Christina last night. The talk I hardly have anymore. The talk that I shut people out of my life to avoid having. I told her about my parents death.
I normally keep people at bay and just tell them the "logistics" of it. You know, the blunt "my dad shot my mom and then shot himself". And just let the jaw drop and say, "ehh, its life what can you do?"
YES, really. The queen of detailed long conversations, shuts her mouth and keeps her heart guarded. When it comes to THAT day in time. BUT I told her everything. Every last draining detail. How certain smells still take me back to that day. How I felt hearing the words that was told me. What I did that day and the days following.
Every horrid detail. Well darn near. As much as I could handle at the time.
I shut it out most of the time. The voices, the faces, the guilt. I leave it locked away. I opened it up and let the hurt come back for that moment in time and it spilled over to my next day unknowingly. Back in the closet you go, I will deal w/u later pain.