Seconds

For as long as I can remember I have put the people who care the most about me....second. At best.

I push them away. I hide my deepest thoughts and secrets from them. I do that in the name of "not hurting them". So, I tell myself.

I keep them at arms lengths, though they are pushing to know me completely. I lie by omission. All the while I pull in the ones that treat me the same as I do those that love me most. I reach out to those that set me aside and make me feel like second, at best.

I do dearly love those that love me fiercely. Yet, I continue down this self destructive path. This path that keeps everyone at bay.

Those that make me feel second are safe to get close to.  They may never want to know me fully, there for I won't allow them to hurt me completely. So, I tell myself.

I have what I would call "a fear of abandonment". I keep the ones that might actually stick around at arms length. While allowing the ones that are seemingly digging their way out of my life to consume my time, energy and love.

Whats more is that I do all this knowingly and willingly. I self "medicate" this way. I willfully choose it.

I am truly sorry to those who have gotten lost in the after math of any of my push and pulls in life that I use to keep myself "safe".

Please don't give up on me. I am in here somewhere. While I may never give fully of myself to those that love me most. I will not make those kinds of promises. Promises I don't think I can keep. Old habits die hard.

I do truly know your love and I ache for any pain I may have caused you. As well as pain I know I am sure to cause you in the future. Its the nature of my head strong self defeating behavior. Once again, I am sorry.