Tuesday, January 24, 2012


I am not new to forgiving others.

I was able to forgive my Dad for killing my mother and then himself. That was hard, but not like this. He was dead, I did not have to have him in my life. Tho I miss him dearly and still love him. I KNOW how to forgive and the healing it brings.

But today, I struggle with it. I just wanna be mad for a while. Ever been there?

My almost 7 year old daughter drank gasoline that my husband put in a pop bottle this past Saturday.

She is fine, thank God.

It scared me greatly. He was careless. He doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation, either. She did not drink much and it mostly made her act slightly drunk. Tired and dizzy. Extreme stomache pain. Gasoline breath for three days.

I thank God He knew I could not handle something horrid happening to my little girl and He spared her life.

I want to cry everytime I think of what might have happened. I was not home when it happend. I arrived a half hour after. My husband had not called poison control to see if she should have milk, what to watch for, or if she should go to the ER. He did wash her face and have her rinse her mouth with water.

I understand that it only hurts me to harbor this anger and unforgiving attitude I hold on to. I know it will take root and grow into bitterness.

Then why? I know others struggle with bigger issues than this.

How do I get past this Lord?

Please pray with me about my attitude.

Friday, January 20, 2012

No place to cry

If you know me at all or have read any of my previous posts, you know I struggle with being a good wife and feeling loved by my husband. He's a "typical" male by most worldly standards. He doesn't want to be my best friend, his words not mine.

Well, while I was milking the goats and having a pity party in my head. Listening to my Christian radio station and thinking, "How can I take this marriage even ONE more day?"

I stand up from milking and look over and see this....

He must of done it last night when filling my goats water buckets in 8 degree weather. He is not a total jerk after all, right? :)  In case you can't see it, he wrote "I love you" in the frost on the window of my barn door.

It was still 8 degrees out and there was no way I was gonna sit down and have a good frozen teared cry out there. It can wait. I went inside and called him at work and said, "I just wanted to thank you for getting up every morning and going to work. Thank you for providing for our family."

We do love each other, we just struggle more than what I think most couples do. Keeping it real here, so if you are struggling, you know your not alone. Just look for frosted windows to keep hope alive.

Monday, January 16, 2012


When I stay up too late, I think too much.

That is a stand alone blog in and of itself. If I don't say so myself, which I did..so ummm.

I just went through my old blog posts and tried to see the growth in my life. What, wait...did u read that? Try again, I think you missed it.

"I just went through my old blog post and TRIED to see the growth in my life"

I spend too much time feeling defeated by my circumstances that I can't change, still.

I don't love my husband like he deserves, still.

I miss lost loved ones with a passion bigger than life, still. More so that I have new losses.

I corner the market of self pity and envy of others that have it together, still.

I fall short of giving God my all, still.

Lord, help me get this right! Help me give You the place You ask of for in my life. First place.

I put a sign on my computer about a year ago that says, "Have you spent time with your Savior?" I told myself I could not flip it over the back of the monitor until I had done just that. Spent time with my Savior in prayer and Bible reading. It lasted a month, if that. Its still there, folded back behind my computer with its little tape tab. In the back, where I have continued to put God in my life.

Why is doing the thing I want most so hard!?