Sometimes it creeps up on me. Others it hits me like a ton of bricks. Tonight it feels like a bit of both.
I get these moments where I miss my mom more than I can explain.
Tonight it came on slowly, I didn't realize it was creeping up. Then it hit me all at once what was happening, what I was realizing. I want to feel loved by someone and love someone so much that I would feel as if I had died if they did.
I remember in highschool dating and when I left my boyfriends house he would ask me to call him when I got home. So he knew I made it home safely. And he would do the same for me. An old love would look out his window at me as I left. This made me feel safe and secure. As if he wanted to make sure I made it to my car ok and all was well. It made me feel loved. As if he wanted to see me for one last moment before I left. It would make my soul smile with love and contentment and security.
Last Tuesday my neighbors came over and told me that someone had been driving by my house and video taping it. I was home alone and freaked out. I called a friend. I freaked out some more.
Tonight at 11 pm on my way out to milk the goat a car was driving by slow. Honked once and drove in my drive way. I set my water bucket down and went up to the car. It was a car shaped like an old loves car. A love that I thought I had a chance of having that kind of love with. It of course was not him, it was an older couple asking questions about the house for sale next door. Seriously, people, 11pm at night? Anyway, I was more upset that my mind went to feeling ignored and wanting to feel so loved. That I allowed my mind to think it could have been that old love coming out at that time of night.
I stood in my milk barn and cried for what could have been. For longing for someone to love me so much that it hurts. Lindsey loves me. Don't get me wrong. It's just not the same love I long for. That I feel I have never fully had.
So while I washed my dishes I asked Lindsey if he has ever loved someone so much that it would feel like he had died if they did. He said, "yes." I asked him what did he do about it. He misunderstood me and told me he probably would die. He thought I said what WOULD he do about it. I said NO what DID you do about it. He had no response. I know he was trying to say he loved me that way. So, why don't I feel it? Why can't he come up with a reason what he DID with that feeling? If he feels that way, why doesn't it show?
So, I dropped it and silently finished my dishes. Then I sat down to the computer and I thought this through. It dawned on me, I have been humanly loved that much before. I just never got to tell her I knew she loved me that much. I am talking about my mothers love for me. I sat here and cried for her. Crying for a way to get that out. The words to explain that feeling.
I was not always kind to her. I called her a bitch and told her I hated her. That it was her fault my boyfriend had broken up with me. I left her more than once. Always for a guy. Put her on the back burner. Left her wondering if I was dead or alive. She always took me back. She never judged me. She never said hateful things to me. She loved me like NO other could.
I miss her.