Peace

True peace will never be found inside me or in another human being. Jesus is where I find true peace. Thank you Lord.

Thank you for giving me tools all around me to remind me of the peace of Christ. Worship music, good friends to listen to me in times of storms, and Your Word.

Hotel Mohney....

I hope we started a new Christmas tradition last night. My girlfriend Suzie Mohney and I got to together at her house and made Christmas cookies and I stayed the night. Ahhhh, a night without kids. A night without cooking a meal, Suzie cooked me dinner while I started the cookies and she also made breakfast, while I slept in, showered, and facebook'd.

I have so many memories from just that one little night. My van was in the shop on Wednesday the 23rd and I had to wait for Lindsey to get home so he could take me to pick it up. He calls just after 3pm (the time he is supposed to leave work) and says he has a tire to do before he can leave...commence the waiting. He is a fast worker, so he was home around 4pm :)  I loaded all my baking and overnight stuff up and away we go.

While waiting I got on facebook, of course. Suzie popped on and told me her oven was broken! But she was gona make some phone calls and see if she could get a part.  We made alternate plans to make fudge and no bake cookies should a Christmas mircle not be in our cookie making future.

Van pick up went fine and was uneventful. Unless you count that it cost us almost $100 more than I thought they had told me AND they installed a new air conditioner belt when they just reinstalled the almost brand new one just 2 months ago..hmmm.  but back to cookies.

I made it up to Suzies, about an hour drive, without getting lost. Arrived to the smell of chicken cooking in the oven, success! They had been able to get a new element and Zack was able to install it without a problem. Christmas miracle : -)  I unloaded and got to work on mixing up the sugar cookies.

Sugar cookie dough was mixed up in two seperate batches, by me while Suzie made thee most delicious Chicken salad in pita bread I have ever had! yummy! While mixing up the second batch of sugar cookies I realized I was measuring flour with the 1/2 cup, not the 1 cup measuring santa. So, I finished that batch and got the other batch out and added the rest of the flour to it that I was missing because of poor counting/measuring skills.  Somehow still messed something up. The second batch was too flourery, is that a word?  But it worked out ok.

So, with sugar cookie dough chillin in the fridge. And Suzie happily cutting up celery and apples, cooling chicken, and just doing whatever magic she was doing to make yummy dinner. Dishes get washed and the Molasses cookies get started. Since molasses is a slow moving liquid we figured the cookies needed to be made   v e r y   s l o w l y.  I made an excutive decision to make a double batch. Causing us not to have enough molasses. So, being the good husband Zack is, we sent him to the store for molasses. So, I left the molasses cookies hanging out and began making chocolate chip cookies.  Is your head spinning yet from the mulitasking we are doing? hehe.
Zack gets back with the molasses. Suzie has dinner ready so we eat. Dinner is done and we are getting tired. Let the baking began!

Molasses cookies get flour and Suzie whipped up the frosting for the sugar cookies. A buttercream icing tinted red, green, and some left plain white. The first batch of molasses cookies come out. Suzie comments on how they have never been so fluffy before. And they are yummy yummy good! We decided that molasses cookies are best when made s l o w l y .

Suzie became the official hot pan handler and I was the cookie scooper. We make a good team. I finished mixing up the choco chip cookies while molasses cookies baked. Then we baked choco chip cookies and did dishes,  sigh, again. 

Finally time to roll out sugar cookies. Suzie was the official roller and I became the hot pan handler....again a great team! I do not like rolling out cookies :)  Cookies all baked and cooled.

Frosting time, or is it?  For me yes it was. And Suzie did a couple cookies too. Turns out she does not like frosting cookies, as much as I don't like to roll them out. ;)  We are such a good team!

Ran out of frosting around 1 am,  so off to bed I go .

Slept great for 4 hours when a coon showed up on the roof or in the attic being aweful noisy. Freaked me out that it might be in the attic and could get in the house, so I turned on all the lights and went downstairs to ask Suzie about it. Suzie had switched sleeping locations with Zack.  So she was in her bed and he was on the couch.   I left them be. Went back up stairs and seen a baseball bat in the corner and moved it to by the bed should I get any unwanted vistors. Ya, I'm a dork. I went back to sleep with no more to be heard out of the coon and awoke around 11 am.

Suzie had already made muffins and was starting brunch. I showered and then facebook'd while she finished up breakfast. We ate and then I got a call from Lindsey saying Melissa had called him and said that freezing rain was starting and I should get my butt home.  Wasn't doing much of nothing and if I stayed I was sure to get roped into finishing the dishes. So, I had Zack pack up my van and I left Hotel Mohney.

I love sleep overs and have not had one in, wow, probably since sleeping over at Suzies parents house in highschool. Unless you count sleeping over at my sisters 13 years ago for one not very drunken New Years Eve party that was nothing short of a huge fight between my drunken boyfriend and her husband.

I had to come back and edit this...cause it just does not feel complete without adding what I was facebooking about..so here is my facebook status I put up while she was making breakfast.

"I would like to take some time to complain to the hotel management here. Suzie Adrianson Mohney please inform the cook that the lukewarm shower created by her dishwashing while your clientiel was showering was not the utmost of my desired level of expectation. But, also inform the cook that breakfast, um I mean brunch..., smells just delicious.
On another note, the comfort of the bed was just wonderful. As well as the warmth of the blankets.
The 5:30 am wake up call created by the coon on the roof was not so much necessary, but eventful none the less. I was able to get back to sleep though, hence the reason for brunch versus breakfast :) Wuv you honey!"

Soaking it in....

Are you listening?  REALLY listening? 

God is speaking to me and I am listening now.... FINALLY LISTENING.

Those of you who have been praying KEEP praying..those of you are not...please start praying.

I love you all.

The song you are hearing IF you are really listening is the song we played at our wedding. "When I Call on Jesus" by Nicole C. Mullen. 

We had a rough start to say the least.  We would never even made it to the alter had it not been for Jesus. This song was my hope and encouragment.

Lindsey is a recovered alcoholic, for those that don't know. 7 years ago this coming June he quit drinking and has never gone back to it. All by the grace of God.

I had begun going back to church with the boys. Lindsey never wanted to go, he prefered to sleep in on his one day off of work. Exspecially when he was usually sleeping off a hang over. We were not married and living together. I decided it was not what God wanted from me. He wanted my best, my whole self.

Things got really bad with his alochol when I finally told him he needed to leave. He moved out to his house that he already owned. Started going to church that very Sunday and has been there every Sunday possible since. OH how that annoyed me to have him in MY Sunday school class. Remember I was D O N E done with him. He stopped drinking, started working on fixing up his house and taking his GED classes. He was going to the Y-center and working out everyday. Picking up BOTH boys for visits. Meeting for weekly individual bible studies with our Sunday school teacher. He stopped driving his vehicle, as he had no license because of alcohol offenses, but was still driving anyway. God was working in his life more than I ever thought possible. 

We counciled with our Sunday school teacher to try to be able to get along for our sons sake. I still did not want Lindsey in my life. Then God softened my heart for Lindsey. With in a few months of meeting with our sunday school teacher and his wife Lindsey and I decided God wanted us to get married. 

I am in this for the LONG haul. Things are NOT easy. We both fall back to our ways.  We have counceled with numberous people for help. We have the tools to make things work...but we leave them in the toolshed most of the time! OR we try to use a phillips screw driver on a flat head screw.

I have a tendency to "check out" when things get tough OR to take control when Lindsey needs to be the one to lead. I am getting out my tool bag tonight and I am going to give it my husband to use.



Lord help me be a helpmate to my husband. Help me to be a faithful loving wife.

I will call on the LORD in my storm.  HE can fix it again.

Thank you for sharing in my affliction...Philipians 4:14. Please keep sharing in it and praying for me through it.

A little of nothing

Just an ordinary day at my house today.

Some drama. Some cleaning. Don't roll your eyes, I clean something everyday Even if it's only my own butt.

The boys went snowboarding out back for a bit. I told Corey to give the goats some hay before he came in..preferrably BEFORE he hurt himself. He said, "haha funny"

Well last year he did hurt himself snowboarding or was it 2 years ago. He busted off half his front adult tooth when he slipped walking back up the hill. The snow board hit his tooth and broke it. He did not start crying until I told him that the dentist would have to give him a shot to fix it.

Then the kids cleaned the house so they could go to Liela Arborteum to snowboard...bigger hills. Lindsey took the boys and I stayed home with Elaine as she was taking her nap. I milked the goats.

Nothing extraordinary today. Just life. Poor Collin now has a major headache.

I like ordinary days best at this time of the year, when Christmas is so close. So many activites coming up and having already past.

I have done a little bit of my crocheting today too.

I got out of cooking dinner by not doing it. So the family was forced to fend for themselves.

Speaking of cooking, Corey cooked breakfast this morning for everyone that wanted it while I was in the shower. His own doing. He made eggs and toast. It's been awhile since he has cooked so that was nice.

Bored with this so I am done!

I can't find it!

I NEED to find it. I can't find it. Where is it? I have to have it!  I know its there, why can't I find it?

I need to find the verse in the Bible about temptation. How God has promised to always give ME a way OUT of it. I look and I look. I refer to my "index to key bible doctrines' in the back of my Bible...nothing. I look in the Concordance...nothing. I HAVE TO FIND IT!

Where is my book...I NEED my book. I need my book that tells me where everything is. Why can I not find my book? The book? Where to find it in the Bible The ultimate A to Z resource. BUT where is it. It is 1 am why can't I find my book? 

It is not by my computer with my bible. Fractically looking, I have to find my book! I need to find that verse!

It is NOT in any of my dresser drawers...I know because I went downstairs, turning on all the lights along the way. With no regard to all the sleeping bodies in the house. I go to the game cupboard that also has housed this book once before, but I know I have moved it from there already..but I look to no avial. I go to my bedroom I turn on the light, ya the big bright one, while Lindsey lay asleep in the bed. I open and close every drawer not caring how much noise I make and dig. Dig like my life depends on it, because right now it does. Where is it?

Now feeling courteous enough to turn off the lights as I retreat to upstairs still frantic to find that book. I turn on the light in the kids room as I am thinking, "it must be in their closet. There are books on the shelfs in their closest that belong to me. It HAS to be there."  Nope. Where is my book?!? I MUST find this verse.

My craft desk...yes it has to be in my craft desk. It used to be there too. It must be there. Open every drawer, twice, and look and dig. Nope. Where is my book?!? I MUST find this verse!

The book shelf by the fridge...ya, ya it HAS to be there. I just moved some books there a few weeks ago and organized it. I must have put it there. Nope. Where is my book?!? I must find this verse!

Could it be, did I leave it on the bookshelves that hold up my computer table? Lets see Playstation 2 Barbie horse adventure game, Nope.  The complete Herbal handbook for Farm and Stable, Nope. Just Give Me a Little Piece of quiet, 60 mini retreats for a mom's soul,  Nope. Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit, Nope. Goat: Homoepathic Remedies, Nope.  Where is my book?!? I must find this verse!

Hey, what is that on the floor behind the shelf? A book! Is it THEE book? YES YES..it was at my feet the whole time.  Kind of fitting. It was where Jesus wants me, at his feet.

So the verse I needed to find. First I turn to "Temptation" in my where to find it book...

First I  turn to Genesis 4:7 "If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it."  hmmm good stuff but not the verse I am looking for.

Then in Genesis 39:6-10 I am reminded of how Joseph resists the temptation to lay down with his masters wife and what comes of that. Still good stuff, but not the verse.

Now I turn to Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble." Wonderful, just wonderful. Still not what I am looking for.

My book then points me to Proverbs 2:10-12, 16 "For wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; Discretion will guard you, Understanding will watch over you, To deliver you from the way of evil, from the man who speaks perverse things;" "To deliver you from the strange woman, From the adulteress who flatters with her words;" still GREAT and powerful things..but where is THEE verse I WANT?

Proverbs 6:27-29 "Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? Or can a man walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched? So is the one who goes in to his neighbors wife; Whoever touches her will not go unpunished." WOW now that is harsh..but necessary none the less. Yet, still not THEE verse.

The temptation of Jesus Mathew 4:1-11...good reminder I am not alone in being tempted. Still not the thee verse.

I dont think any of these verses listed under "temptation" are going to be it... I will consult http://www.bible.com/  again...why when sitting AT my computer with the whole world at my fingertips do I do things the hard way. The answers are at my "feet".  

AHH HAA found it! And it was one of the verses listed under "temptation" in the coveted book I sought so hard to find tonight. I just had not looked that one up yet!

I Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has over taken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."

I have been praying for God to clearly mark my way out! To provide my escape route. I pray and pray for it.

He shows me time and time again a way out and back to the truth and I turn away from His escape. The headache that should have me in bed, the song that plays in my head reminding of God's love, good friends that care for me, a ringing phone, a screaming kid.... the list goes on. Wether I am physically being tempted or in a bad situation or it is my thought life I need to bring under the control of God... HE is faithful in providing a way out... I need to be faithful in TAKING the way out.

Thanks to my husband...

On facebook people are doing a little thing... "Today I am thankful for....." and putting it on their status. Once a day from now until Thanksgiving. I decided to join in, but with a twist. I am using my daily thankfuls to remind myself of all the wonderful things my husband does and stands for. I am trying to them from things he did or expressed on the day I post it to make it more meaningful. Not just some generic thanks that everyone can come up with.

Here I am going to compile those facebook posts and publish them on or around Thanksgiving.
I have a few personal goals in doing this little venture. 1) that I will be more thankful for him. 2) that others may look at their spouses, friends, and family with more thankful eyes.

11/10 - I am thankful for a husband who will skip through parking lots with me arm in arm and sing "we're off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of oz" :D  Yup did it in the church parking lot on the way to the van from dropping the kids off for choir. He did this little skip thing himself and I was about to bark at him for looking goofy, when something clicked in my brain and said WHY NOT...I grabbed his arm and he instantly started skipping with me as we sang.

11/11 - I am thankful for a husband who gets out of bed every morning 6 days a week and goes to work to bring "home the bacon". Even when he sleeps in an extra 2 hours.... ;)  Yes he slept in on this day 2 hours. I normally allow myself to become frustrated with him when he does this. Today I choose to be thankful that he is a good provider. There is always enough money to pay the bills and he either works over or works extra on Saturday. This week even gets an extra 8 hours pay for his birthday..so wooped dee doo if he sleeps in 2 hours :).

11/12 - Today, On a garbage day that my husband finally remembers to take the garbage down to the road. I am reminded that I am THANKFUL that he is FORGETFUL. His forgetful nature allows him to forget MY sins. I have done so many aweful horrible sinful things TO my husband and he is gracious and forgetful enough to wipe my slat clean. My mind never escapes the things I have done to him, but his does. Thank you God for giving me a husband perfect for me.

11/13 Today I am thankful for a husband who lets me be me, and loves me anyway.

11/14 Today I am thankful for a husband who will parent his children while I go out for lunch and a movie :D

11/15 Yesterday I was on, but not so awake to life. So, I forgot to put up my "thankful message" Yesterday I was thankful for a husband who allows me the freedom to talk to whoever I want as late as I want.

11/16 Today I am thankful for a husband who made me breakfast in bed...even the totally weird combination of unsalted soft pretzel with cold pizza sauce and scrambled eggs. Dunno where that idea came from but that's what he brought me. hehe

11/17 Today I am thankful for a husband who hunts deer, shot one and tracked it for hours with him to no aval :( but we live to hunt another day.

11/18 Today I am thankful for a husband who cut the brownies I made...ya pretty shallow but's it all I got tonight..feeling rather negative and trying hard to not be.

11/19 struggling today with this.... Today I am thankful for a husband who took the garbage down to the road...afraid that means he might be getting a better memory. Lord keep his eyes for me free from my sins. Help him to keep forgetting my sin nature.

11/20 Thankful for my husband who is out back hunting..but won't get mad when I send a boy back there in a few to tell him me and the boy need to go to the chiropractor...corey needs x-rays this time and not gona take all the kids. He flipped off the couch rather weird a week or so ago and it's still bothering him. anywho...I know he wont get mad..thinking positive here :) lol

11/21 oops forgot my thankful message again yesterday :( soo. Today I am thankful for a husband who is willing to shave a balloon. Had a Family movie, PJ night at the church. With intermission games. Lindsey shaved a ballon...all ballon games. fun fun fun.

11/22 Today I am thankful for a husband who loves work so much that he got up this morning before me, got dressed for work, got in his car, drove down the road to work, until he heard the radio station say it was time for Hymn time country..LOL. btw he doesn't work Sundays.

11/23 Today I am thankful for a husband who put his daughter to bed tonight.

11/24 did that whole forget to do my thankful message again thing...but this time I forgot tuesday and was about to forget wednesdays... so Tuesday- I am thankful for a husband who is just gona have to understand that I am gona be pissy for awhile.

11/25 Today I am thankful for a husband that annoys me thoroughly.

Well that concludes my list..I am sorry I am not in a very loving mood tonight..but I dont see that changing anytime soon...so just deal.

Hope you enjoyed my list. I enjoyed digging in my brain on some days to come up with a meaningful thankful thing that happened on that day..not just some stand by generic thankful thing.


 

Wanna blog...

I have nothing profound to say. I just wanna blog. So this random and probably scattered writing will take it's own form as is I drag on about nothing :) ENJOY!

Elaine has fallen asleep at my feet. She laid on the floor to get into a comfortable position to color in her coloring book, that she found when she went to retrieve her AWANA cubbies book. She has crayons all over the floor and her head on her coloring boook. So adorable!

Collin and Corey are outside. I was tired of the wrestling in the house..I told them I did not want blood on the floor and to take it OUTSIDE. Usually more room to run and play solves the keep your hands to yourselves dilemia. So they are out on in the pines playing..or close them atleast. I think they are in the far shed where the go karts are being stored. Playing some war game. fun fun fun.

Mom is listening to music from a fellow bloggers site. It has alot of good praise music and other great songs too, so good. Enjoying my quiet time. Dishes from lunch are still on the table. Loads of milk in the fridge cries out to be turned into cheese. The carpets could used vaccumed. The bathroom needs cleaned. The hard floors need swept and mopped. For once I can say that I dont NEED to do laundry :)  But right now, it can wait.

Tomorrow is Felicia's funeral.  Be praying for everyone. The funeral is gona be at my church. With a lunch after the burial and no clue as to how many people might come. Tragedy of young life lost...a life so loved and lived fully. I am sure there will be more people than we could expect. I was overwhelmed at my parents funeral. I would think that there were over 300 if not over 400. The funeral home had to open up 2 addtional rooms and had people just standing in the lobby as well as people sitting in the "refreshements/tv room". It was crazy nuts. Alot of the teachers from my school were there, ex-boyfriends galore, my dad's friends, my moms friends, family, my dad's work buddies, hunting buddies, drug buddies....and then the visitation, too many faces.  I pray the family has time to grieve through all the faces. I pray they understand that they don't need to make all the many faces feel welcome, rather it is their time to say goodbye and to celebrate Fee Fee's life. 

The boys have come in and Lindsey should be home soon. Corey and I have another chiro appointment again today. Although first Monday back after vacation..might be a long day, but he knows I want to go without the other kids...so we will see how much longer he will be.  Guess quiet time is over.

Cleaning the Fridge

When I cleaned my fridge the other day..ok last week. I was thinking of the different types of cleaning I do to my fridge. Sometimes it's just tossing out the old leftovers. Others something may have spilt on the shelf and I push everything to one side and wipe it up. Then at times it goes as far as taking everything out and checking dates, wiping it all down, drying it all and put it all back all orgainized.

God has been cleaning my "fridge" and I have been fighting it.

He also cleans us to different degrees. He tosses out the leftovers, when He forces us to examine how we spend our time and our attitudes. At these times I am convicted of needing to spend more time with Him and less on the computer. Or more time with my kids. It's when I am abrupt, unloving and impatient. But it has not gotten too bad. I have not been too neglectful of my "fridge". So He just prods me and shows me my way back easily. Just a few leftovers to throw out, no harm no foul.

Then when something has gotten spilt, Sin has stepped into my life. And He takes the time to show me it and give me the opportunity to remove it. He is there with me to help me remove it, but I must do the work. I must push everything else aside and grow with Him. Let him clean up the mess I have made.

When I have not paid attention to my fridge in awhile it will be full of spills, sin. Usually ones I cling to, I relish in. Ones I hide from most of the world. Ones I am ashamed to tell my closest friends. Ones that I joke about with my closest friends to make it seem less sinful. But I still sin. I keep going back to it, over and over again. I allow myself to be comfortable with it. To make excuses to make it feel right. But inside, I feel dead and alone. Alone and away from God.

It's then when I am at the bottom of the bottom that He wants me to take everything out of the fridge. He wants me to examine the dates, see the expired items (deep long term sin) and remove them from my life. He wants me to take out the drawers wash them of all their filth. He wants me to let go of toxic relationships I cling to. He wants me to love deeper. He wants me to give up my anger. He wants me to forgive myself of things He has forgiven me for. I keep the sin and I run to it. I enjoy it like a child enjoys candy. I know God knows best for me, but I resist. I resist with all my might. Until one day my fridge will be such a science experiment even the most experienced toxic waste specialist would not want to touch it.

Last words....

God knows just what I need when I need it. He knows me inside and out, He made me. Help me Lord.

Today, I have been fighting the tears all day. I have let them come some. It's just a blah day. My niece's good friend died in a car accident last night. Fee Fee was 17 years old, a senior in highschool, an only child, so young, so loved.

How do I help my niece mourn her friend? How do I treasure my friends and family more? How do I help my niece understand how to live one day at a time, cherishing every moment? BUT to still plan for tomorrow?  I struggle with how to make that work myself.

I have friends I wish I could see more, distance or circumstances don't allow for it. Do you ever wonder what your last words to your treasured friends will be?  I have people in my life I want to just sit with and exist with, hold them and I can't. People that are alive, people that are not.

I have walked away from my family when I was my nieces age, 18. The thing that rings in my ears when I look back in shame is my sisters words, "I thought you loved your niece, how could you just run away from her?"  She was only 3 at the time. I did and do love her dearly. I was young and dumb.

So, how do I tell her to live one day at a time and treasure the moments, when I have been such a failure at it. I time and time again do not make time to just exist with friends. I am a doer. I feel I need "excuses" to visit people, then I have 1,000 excuses why I can't. I don't wanna be an inconvience, not enough time, money, tired, busy, the feeling I am not meeting needs of others, not sure they want me around....the excuse list goes on and on. But it's all just excuses. Excuses to keep to myself and not love fully, not live daily. Excuses to not put myself out there to be loved and love soo much it hurts.

I have hated the word "bye" since I was about 15 years old. It sounds too final and is not the last thing I want to hear from someone. My conversations do not need to always be deep and intense. I love my conversations with my bestest friends where we talk about nothing and feels like everything got said.

Let me challenge you today to live fuller, love deeper. Inspite of yourself. Don't let you last words be fighting words. Say nothing and everything all at the same time. Take time to hold your friends and family. Take time to feel their love, through words and touch. Even when disagreeing speak the truth in love.

My list....

I have had this list in my head for sometime. Call me crazy for putting it out there for all to see. But I am all about living outloud on here. Maybe some other soul will see this and have done the same as me and not feel so abnormal. As abnormal as I do.

This list started as I thought about if I would remarry if Lindsey died before me. Genetic chances are in favor of him dieing before me. His dad died young. His mom died young and so did his older sister, but that is complicated so not really a factor. Just saying is all. The women in my family die OLD. Plus he insists he would go crazy with out me, there for he must die before me. Knowing God will only give us what we can handle. I have a feeling he is right.

So as I go threw my marriage with him I look and and I watch. I see things I would not want to spend the rest of my life with and things I could not do without. So, I dont think I would "date" in the normal fashion. Instead I have invented a list of "qualifications" the next guy would need to meet.  Ya, I know when u put them all together it would take an act of God to make a man like this. So I will die an old widow, never remarrying. OR my list will adjust. Either option I am sure I would be open to. Well with all that said, here it goes my list....


OK now call ME stupid for NOT putting it out there. I had started this one a few days ago also. 

Tonight I thought about this more. I think another reason I have this list is because I am afraid to love him so much that it will feel like I am dieing when he does. He deserves to be loved that deeply. But I felt if I always had this "list" of what I would change or keep then somehow I might not hurt as bad. I might be able to move on faster, if I already started moving on before.

So tonight instead of typing out my list...I am trying to forget it ever exsisted.  I am going to start loving him in the living, just as he is. Just as God made him and hand picked him for me. Sure we both have growth that needs to happen. But God will work that out in His timing.

My list may rear it's ugly head again someday. I pray if that happens I will get my wits about me and realize again that I have a wonderful husband to love right in front me. I don't need to dream up what I want in the next one.  It is soooo hard to love that deeply. I have never loved anyone that much. So much I am prepared for them to be my only one. I fear him leaving me so much that it is easier to not let him in that deep in the first place.  Tonight I choose to let him in.

Be real with me...

If you are my friend you will know I often have what some people would think of as "boundary issues".

I personally do not see an issue with that. I call it being real with you. I don't want to live two lives. One that is acceptable to "society" and one that is really happening.

I don't want to hide behind a fake smile or a fake frown.  There are times in my life when I should be happy and I am lousey and  miserable. Others times I am happy and laughing and people look at me like I am crazy. They thought I had to be insane to laugh at my parents funeral. I did not cry AT their funeral either. Well not out of sadness. I did get really pissed off at one family member and I may have cried tears of madness for a short time. I was overwhelmed with how many people were there, I am not a "public crier", so I was not gona put on a fake set of tears just to make you all happy to see me cry. Sorry not gona be fake.

If I want to call someone, I will call them. If I want to send you 3 or more email messages in one day, I will. I have often called myself "clingy". If I think of you, I will pray for you. I don't like to play "head games". I have tried to stay away and not have as much contact with someone if I am not getting any response, if I feel it is one sided, when I feel extra clingy. I do sometimes get forgetful. I have thought of someone, wanted to call or email, and NOT had the time or put it off. So do not read this and think, "Oh I have not heard from her in awhile she doesn't want to talk to me."  That being said there are some of my friends that I don't want to talk to all the time either...so sorry if that might be you. It's just life and the way it is.

Of course I don't let everyone into my "circle". I think of Jesus's example of friendship. He had thousands and thousands of followers and people that wished to be close to Him. He could not be everywhere and everything for everyone. Even amongst his 12 disciples He had his "favorites". He knew Judas would betray him, but He still allowed Him in His life. That had to be hard.

I have a very select few that I feel "incomplete" if I have not talked to them at least once a day. Then others, like my sister or my kids I need to talk to them several times a day. Usually through one sentence emails passed back and forth that say almost nothing. But it also includes a phone call, chatting online..etc..

I am not sure where I was going with this, if anywhere. I started this blog 5 days ago and got distracted.

I will continue to have my boundary "issues" as I don't mind them. I just choose friends that are like minded and love me for being open and honest. God made me exactly who I am, I am not gona try to be something I am not.

Remembering...

I have a thousand things swimming threw my head that I have thought of writing about today. I have hard time picking just one.

I decided since today is the anniversary of my parents death and so many of my friends have been doing these "x random things about me" things. I was talking to a friend about memories and I am going to do a X random things about my dad blog. So here it goes. As I remember him.

1. He often fell asleep in odd places. Once falling into the open and on oven. He burnt his butt for that one.  Often falling off the toilet when he fell asleep there!

2. He wore bib overalls all the time. Even to my sister wedding. He just put the suit coat that he wore in HIS wedding over top of it. He could not button the suit coat, of course. As he wieghed about 100 plus lbs more than when HE got married.

3. I loved it when he sang Ted Nugents "Cat Scratch Fever".

4. He liked watching wrestling...you know the one with Hulk Hogan and Andre' the Giant. When wrestling was good.

5. He played the lotto faithfully and never won big.

6. He was a great hunter. He taught me how.

7. He got drunk with his friends one day and decided to dig us a basement...lol. Then built a new bedroom and bathroom over the hole. He dug the whole thing by hand...of course it was not done in one day.

8. He loved to fish. From a dock, from a boat, ice fishing...he loved it all. He had a really cool homemade ice shanty. I loved ice skating around the shanty when I did not feel like fishing.

9. My mom and aunt once made him and my uncle take a boat out on the ice fishing when they insisted on fishing when the "women" felt the ice was too thin.

10. He smoked pot and I hated that about him.

11. He loved the Upper Pennisula. We vacationed there every year.

12. He and my mom once thought about moving out west. So they went on a trip to "scout" it out. That is the only time I remember them going away with out us.

13. He had a beard that he hardly ever trimmed. Was gruffy and grizzly Adams looking.

14. I once got stabbed with a fork by him for reaching for the last piece of something at dinner...I remember it being chicken. My sister remembers it being pizza.

15.  Bradford White was his place of employment for as long as I can remember. But I was told he had numberous other jobs before he settled down.

16. One of those other jobs consisted of "drilling" in the ground for something..water or oil..not sure. I think water. One time while drilling his pants got caught in the drill and ripped off of him. Thank God. Or he may have died. He had to walk accross the ladies lawn that he was working at to his vehicle in his tighty whities. Is how I recall the story.

17. He has 3 brothers and 2 sisters. All of which are currently married.

18. I don't remember him mowing the lawn. Either mom or us did it.

19. Although I am sure we grumbled. BUT Some of my favorite memories of him where when we would go cut wood and hunt for rabbits or squirrel afterwards.

20. I don't remember his hugs or kisses. I am sure they happened, I just can't recall what his embrace felt like. I know he hugged and kissed my mom.

I guess that will be the last one.  I dont want end all funny or on a "bad note". I don't intend for any of my memories or lack there of to offend anyone that knew him. So don't offend me by tanting or trying to change MY memories. This is how I remember him. But please feel free to share YOUR personal memories of him. Just don't dilute or discount mine.

I love both him and my mother deeply.

A Mile in My Shoes

I have been dreaming of doing this for months now....so here it goes.

When I take a walk up the stop sign and back it is a mile. I want to share my scenery and thoughts with you.

Leaving the driveway. Elaine looks back at me to cheese it up for the camera. The kids ride there bikes and I walk.

And we're  off.

It doesn't take them long to get ahead of mom :)

SO, we have our special sign we stop at and wait for mom. This was the very first time that Elaine actually kept up with the boys. She normally hangs back with me :)

Collin insisted this was "Bob" our long dead bantam rooster. It is a Robin. You will get to see all of the road kill. As that is what we do when we take our walks. Stop to take in the road kill :)  This is was our freshest find.

I am leaving this one bigger so you can see "the tree that is carrying an arm load of wood."  That is what Collin calls it. There is quite a bit of wood sitting on the branch to the left.

Collin, "There is ants, I should of brought my gloves."
There is a down limb and being a good citzen, Collin takes it upon himself to make sure none of it is in the road.

"My work is done here."

As promised, more road kill. This we have been watching decompose and get eaten for a few weeks or more. I think all that is left is the furry stuff.

 The bar at the end of my road. Country Fever Dance Bar. It sits where the old Assyria Saw Mill was at. I never seen the saw mill in operation.  But the red building with the white words is part of it.

The Paint on the road that is almost to the stop sign that marks the spot I turn around at. I dont like to go all the way to the stop sign. M-66 is a busy street and I don't like the kids getting close to it. They even turn around a few feet before this mark at the driveway of the bar.

 Assyria cementary at the end of our road accross M-66. I might be buried there one day, who knows. But for only $10 a plot for landowners in the township..I think it is a pretty good possibility.

Um. Yeah. My shoes. Figured out about half way threw our walk that it might be easier for you to walk a mile in my shoes if you could see them :) lol

"Mom, come take a picture of this dead thing."

Collin, "I think it is the spine of the dead thing up there."

The dead thing "up there".  We have been watching this one for sometime...while this is the first walk we seen the spine above.

I wonder who mows this path and if it goes to something more than a field or someones hunting spot.

A swampy area on the other side of the street that I did not take a picture of on the way to the stop sign as there was traffic and I felt dumb taking a pic of a small swamp. :)

I think u know by now, but just in case. More dead stuff.

Mashed down weeds...I believe the deer bed down here and/or come out of this swamp from this spot by the end of this fence.

Stopping for cat tails. I miss you mommy.

The nieghbor to your left's new pole barn. They put it up this summer. I want one :)

Floppy cat tail.

Neighbor accross the streets house.

Home sweet home.

Neighbor to the left of us.

Thee large rock at the end of the driveway next to my mail box.  Yes the driveway really is there under all the leaves...before the rock.

Coming up the driveway. Home at last :)








I did go out back and take some pics of my girls and my favorite rooster..but frankly I am done blogging...so I might just post those on fb. We'll see....Hope you enjoyed your walk with us.

Thanks be to my Father

I am often falling off the path to what is good and pure and right.

Just feeling thankful to my Lord for good friends to show me the way back.

I wish I had something profound to say to add to that to encourage someone else..but my words escape me tonight. Yet I still wanted to blog about this. To make my path back more clear, more solid.

While taking communion tonight my mind would not escape I Corinthians 11:31-32 But if we judged ourselves rightly, we would not be judged. But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world. 

While the reason I opened to that page was to read the Lords Supper 11:17-26...my eyes could not escape the other passage.  Over and over again I read that passage trying to commit it to memory.

All to often people think we should NOT judge one another. But we should. So that in that the Lord can change us. Bring us back to HIM. Because as these verses say, IF we were rightly judging ourselves, aka living right, we would NOT be judged. 

Thank you to those you have listened to me. Who, without condemning me,  have judged me. Judged me back to MYSELF. My TRUE self. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know what I stand for and believe in. 

Dealing with the No's

We were told that CPS would NOT place our great niece and nephew in our home. 

For many reasons. One big one is Lindsey's criminal history check. Then they also picked apart our lifestyle choices, homeschooling, goats, etc... and our parenting style. She made me feel about 1 inch tall, with all her negative remarks and LIES. They did not want to hear the "whole story". The main reason she kept giving is they felt like they were not getting the whole story. Soo hmmm why didn't they ask more questions. We went threw the interview process with our lives an open book.  I pray they are as rigirous with any other family members that may try to get the kids, as any I can think of are drug addicts or allow drugs and smoking in the home. My little niece has asthma and can not be around smoking. And drugs are an obvious no. 

I have moved from hurt to relieved about it all. I will not have to be under that government agencies microscope.  I am NOT a bad parent! They made me feel as if they thought I was one.

Now all I can do is to pray for their saftey. I pray they are in a safe loving home that if need be, will make them their own children and adopt them. That will keep them forever, and not bounce them around from foster home to foster home. I pray it is a good christian home that will teach them about Jesus and His love for them.

Thats all I can do.

Lost in it all...

I have not posted in quite a while.

Frankly I have not known where to start. I have so much going on that I was not ready to share. Fearful things and happy things at the same time.

I just have not been ready to put them out in words for the world to see.

This will be an emotional week of waiting for me. We have been trying to get my great neice and nephew placed in our home through the foster care system. This week I hope to hear back an answer. We have been working towards this for over a month now. Stressful. Emotionful.

There are hurdles only God can remove. I know He is faithful. I know He has a plan for all of this. I WILL trust in His timing and His will. Again I say I WILL! I am repeating myself to convince myself. This has been tough for me, to trust fully in what He will do with my life. To know I have not have failed my heavenly Father if He chooses not to give me my niece and nephew. He has trusted me with so much already. I am just scared. I will get through this with Him by my side.

In this past month I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Sure, aren't I always! This is different. My motherly instinct has kicked into overdrive for these kids. All the preperations we have done to our home. We built an additional bedroom in our basement. Moved the kids bedrooms all around to accomadate the possiblity of two more children.  Time spent just thinking about them and how they could change our lives. The love that has grown for them in my heart. Longing to hold them and care for their needs. 

This week that could all come to an end, which could be good or bad. I groan at the thought that some government agency is in control of their future and ours. If turned down to foster them I hope to still be in their lives somehow. I don't know how that will work. I just know I ache for them. To hold them. To show them what love really is. To give them a normal life. To not have them feel abandoned by their whole family. To give them something real to hang onto. To help them, whatever that looks like in God's eyes.

He has prepared my heart to be there for these children in any way He will allow me to. I will NOT fail Him in that.  I will not lie and tell you that this has and will be easy. No matter the decision, my life will be and has been changed forever. God has opened my eyes to things I never imagined and most people could not fathom.

Lord, please protect my little niece and nephew. If it be Your will for them to be in our home, open the doors. If not please allow me to show them Your love, however I can do that. Put people in their lives that Love you Lord. Be with the people making the decisions about their future. Guide them, Lord. Give them Your wisdom. Whatever Your decsion Lord, I will trust in You.

Christmas in the mailbox!

I love getting the mail. Everyday actually. Yes, even bills! I know you take the time to smack me next time you see me, I won't mind.

I like getting bills, because then I know where we stand. They need to be paid regardless. We don't have many bills, so I am sure that helps the thought process. Take the mortgage for instance, I open it up and like to see how much of my payment went towards the principal, to see just how far my money is going. I like to see the escrow account grow and notice when the taxes and insurance are paid.  I just like getting bills. Again feel free to smack me.

I actually had two days worth of mail in the box. I can't believe I did not get the mail yesterday, but I know how it happened. I was on the phone (love you Sara) and attempted to walk to the box and the cordless signal would not carry that far. Since I would rather talk to my friend and be there for her, I opted to wait to go get the mail and sat down on the steps in front of the house to talk. Once I was done talking, I forgot I was gona get the mail!

SO, today I got twice the mail. The box honestly could not have handled another piece of mail in it. On top of it being 2 days of mail the Reminder box had the Reminder in and another newspaperey thing. AND I had a newspaperey thing hanging from the mail box too!  So, it was soo like Chiristmas. Today though, I did not get any bills.

In my mail box I got a sample of scope mouthwash, toothpaste, and floss. The tickets for the Celtic Women Concert in November! The Pizza Hut book it program coupons and information! Bethany Children's Services information packet was also amist the wonderful things in my box! 

All I could think of was WOW. All the lovely things I wanted came all at once. I was so excited. I sat down at my dining room table and opened mail for hours..reading the ads in the "newspapers".  I first opened the box with the scope samples. Of course because they are tangible "gifts". Then onto the Celtic Women tickets! YEAH!!! Now if I can only NOT lose them, hehe. 

Then I got the Bethany envelope. I don't think I was prepared for that one. I read everything inside, I cried more than once. Inside they had a magazine of sorts with stories of kids joining their adoptive families. Stories of joy and sorrow. Stories of children who still need homes. Sick kids and healthy kids. Old and young kids. Kids that need love. Kids that don't have samples of scope coming in their mail box! Kids who don't have parents looking for a sitter to watch them while they go to a concert. Kids who don't have the Pizza Hut bookit program. Kids looking for a home. Kids looking for normalacy. Dare I say kids looking for us?!? Just last night I asked Lindsey to pray for what has been laid on my heart. To pray if we should still get licensed for foster care even if we are not getting our great niece and nephew. I asked he pray about wether we should foster children. Please pray with us.

We are still waiting for word on our great niece and nephew being placed with us. Keep praying for us and for them and for their parents.

Going No Where

I take two steps forward and five steps back. If not ten steps back.

Had a wonderful night tonight out of my house with friends. I love informal get togethers with girls. I loved the humorous stories. Seeing everyone. Getting out.

When we discussed the possibility of a book club for our group and were presented with choices of books. Two christian fiction books "that would make you cry". Or two "self help books". I can't attend the book club anway because of the time it will be held interfers with life. But my first thoughts were, "I don't want to cry or fix myself."  SO, why do I want to be broken?

Things are still moving forward right?

"Well that was ackward!"

Every marriage has it's ups and downs. We tend to have more downs than ups around here.

I have spent a great deal of time talking to friends, reading books, and searching out God's answers for what I can do to make our marriage better.

I started revisiting a book this week that I have never gotten all the way through. Seems I get a chapter or two in and apply the principles and things get better. I forget to keep working at it. Then goes the cycle of things going back to bad and sometimes worse than what they were before I put in the effort.

OK..back on track here.... The book is called "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidman. It is both humorous and helpful.  Chapter 1 discusses WHO you should trust for relationship advice. Like you would not go to a chain smoker for help quiting smoking, so don't go to divorced or badly damaged married people to seek advice either. I don't completely agree with that, as I feel I have learned alot of things I SHOULD be doing and think others know things as well. I think that just because a marriage is kinda sucky doesn't always mean that you don't KNOW the answers...just that you don't apply them! I think it is important to note that she does say that you don't have to have a PHD to have valuable knowledge to offer.

Well, what I am mostly trying to get to is chapter 2 and 3 as that is ever as far as I am able to get through before life around here starts to get better and I stop reading!  So, there must be some good information in there right?  This time around I got out my highlighter when reading....in an effort that maybe, just maybe, get farther along in the book the next time I pick it up. If all I do is go back and read over my highlights.

OK OK I am getting there..just be patient. It is about the journey, not the destination after all right?
So, highlighted item number one that needs noted, "I get really annoyed with myself and will actually argue with myself for saying or doing something without thinking. So if it's so easy to get upset at yourself, how can you not get upset with someone else?"  

WOW! Right? I often stew over, "How can he make me sooo mad?"  Well this was a HELLO HEATHER moment... why can't I allow him to make mistakes too! Duh! I know elementary thinking here...but I ALWAYS need reminded of this! So deal with it!

Another book quote, "A couple who never argues is unlikely to stay together, and if they should, their energy will be spent on resentment and hostility rather than on growth."   Just let that sink in how ever it applies to your relationship : )  Read it again if you need to. I agree that conflict leads to growth. I just wish that God was not ALWAYS growing us!!!  I need a chance to catch my breath. To enjoy the growth we experience.

"If one partner feels he has to sacrifice his identity in a relationship, he doesn't feel loved anymore-he feels used."  SOOO TRUE!  "If you allow a person the freedom to be himself without labeling his behavior good or bad, right or wrong, he'll want to be the best person possible and give you what you need to make you happy."  Well duh! Then, why don't I do it!?!

"Establishing new habits requires action."  It takes work to make things WORK. 

Then there are some action assignments that I sort of did half heartedly a time or two... I took some time to think about what I do when things ARE working for us. 

As much as I hate this next statement it is true and I can't change that! It is just the difference between men and women. Men WANT to be sex objects. "Yet our society fails to recognize how much the male of the species needs approval of his physical appearance." 

I am very neglectful of my husbands (and my own) need to connect physically. SO, in an effort to make him feel sexy and wanted and to connect with him I have been kissing him everyday. Which is quite a feat for me, since we rarely even touch.

Tuesday I attacked him in the kitchen when he came home from work and did not let him come up for air until he kissed me like he would never stop kissing me. Elaine attached to my right leg, Collin my left. After about 5 minutes I felt my husband understood I think he is one heck of a kisser. I released him from my death grip of a lip lock. Then Collin announced, "Well that was ackward!"

Things should be a little more ackward around here! If that's what you want to call it. Thinking back to what life was like when I felt IN love and felt special to my husband. I would show him TONS of affection trying to win him over. Why, now that we are married, should I stop doing that?  IF I deserve to be his Queen and nothing short of his everything. Doesn't he deserve to be my object of obsession?

Revelations 2:4-5 "But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first;"  To be a Christian is to love Jesus with all my heart. The Ephesians passion for Christ had become cold and mechanical. Just as my passion for my husband has.

After connecting with him like this for several days, he has prayed with me twice thanking God for our time to connect physically. Even exclaiming afterwards, "I must have done something right! Thank you God." He has been more available for the things I need.

Forgive me, God, for not being the wife my husband needs. For not making him my everything. For being scared to love him so much that it would hurt if I no longer had him. Help me make him feel how special he truly is to me. Help me to love him just as he is. Help me to notice the wonderful things he does do, and minimize the petty things that he does not do. Thank you God for friends that help hold me accountable to Your Word.  Help me Lord to increase the ackwardness in our home. Amen.

Gotta start somewhere

OK.. So being totally new to this blog thing and actually scared to put my life out there. I figured I better post something before I lose my one readers attention :P

The last couple weeks I have been thinking of all sorts of cute, touching, or just everyday things that I would like to be able to put to words. So that is what I am going to use this blog space for.

I feel as if I am on a self discovery journey right now or rather always. More often than not my heart is heavy these days. Heavy with decisions that are being made around me. Some I have control over, some I don't. I am a control freak and I always second guess my own decisions. Not a great combination, if I do say so myself.  Someone who says, "Let me decide, no wait you do it!" I struggle to follow, when I want to lead.

I am ever trying to let go of the things that won't matter in 5 or 10 years. More often than not I fail. I struggle with being a good wife and mother daily. I know I make huge mistakes. Some I can fix. Others will be with me the rest of my life.

Who can live with that on a day to day basis!  Lord Bless my family for putting up with me. ;)