Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My list....

I have had this list in my head for sometime. Call me crazy for putting it out there for all to see. But I am all about living outloud on here. Maybe some other soul will see this and have done the same as me and not feel so abnormal. As abnormal as I do.

This list started as I thought about if I would remarry if Lindsey died before me. Genetic chances are in favor of him dieing before me. His dad died young. His mom died young and so did his older sister, but that is complicated so not really a factor. Just saying is all. The women in my family die OLD. Plus he insists he would go crazy with out me, there for he must die before me. Knowing God will only give us what we can handle. I have a feeling he is right.

So as I go threw my marriage with him I look and and I watch. I see things I would not want to spend the rest of my life with and things I could not do without. So, I dont think I would "date" in the normal fashion. Instead I have invented a list of "qualifications" the next guy would need to meet.  Ya, I know when u put them all together it would take an act of God to make a man like this. So I will die an old widow, never remarrying. OR my list will adjust. Either option I am sure I would be open to. Well with all that said, here it goes my list....

OK now call ME stupid for NOT putting it out there. I had started this one a few days ago also. 

Tonight I thought about this more. I think another reason I have this list is because I am afraid to love him so much that it will feel like I am dieing when he does. He deserves to be loved that deeply. But I felt if I always had this "list" of what I would change or keep then somehow I might not hurt as bad. I might be able to move on faster, if I already started moving on before.

So tonight instead of typing out my list...I am trying to forget it ever exsisted.  I am going to start loving him in the living, just as he is. Just as God made him and hand picked him for me. Sure we both have growth that needs to happen. But God will work that out in His timing.

My list may rear it's ugly head again someday. I pray if that happens I will get my wits about me and realize again that I have a wonderful husband to love right in front me. I don't need to dream up what I want in the next one.  It is soooo hard to love that deeply. I have never loved anyone that much. So much I am prepared for them to be my only one. I fear him leaving me so much that it is easier to not let him in that deep in the first place.  Tonight I choose to let him in.

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