Thursday, November 19, 2009

Last words....

God knows just what I need when I need it. He knows me inside and out, He made me. Help me Lord.

Today, I have been fighting the tears all day. I have let them come some. It's just a blah day. My niece's good friend died in a car accident last night. Fee Fee was 17 years old, a senior in highschool, an only child, so young, so loved.

How do I help my niece mourn her friend? How do I treasure my friends and family more? How do I help my niece understand how to live one day at a time, cherishing every moment? BUT to still plan for tomorrow?  I struggle with how to make that work myself.

I have friends I wish I could see more, distance or circumstances don't allow for it. Do you ever wonder what your last words to your treasured friends will be?  I have people in my life I want to just sit with and exist with, hold them and I can't. People that are alive, people that are not.

I have walked away from my family when I was my nieces age, 18. The thing that rings in my ears when I look back in shame is my sisters words, "I thought you loved your niece, how could you just run away from her?"  She was only 3 at the time. I did and do love her dearly. I was young and dumb.

So, how do I tell her to live one day at a time and treasure the moments, when I have been such a failure at it. I time and time again do not make time to just exist with friends. I am a doer. I feel I need "excuses" to visit people, then I have 1,000 excuses why I can't. I don't wanna be an inconvience, not enough time, money, tired, busy, the feeling I am not meeting needs of others, not sure they want me around....the excuse list goes on and on. But it's all just excuses. Excuses to keep to myself and not love fully, not live daily. Excuses to not put myself out there to be loved and love soo much it hurts.

I have hated the word "bye" since I was about 15 years old. It sounds too final and is not the last thing I want to hear from someone. My conversations do not need to always be deep and intense. I love my conversations with my bestest friends where we talk about nothing and feels like everything got said.

Let me challenge you today to live fuller, love deeper. Inspite of yourself. Don't let you last words be fighting words. Say nothing and everything all at the same time. Take time to hold your friends and family. Take time to feel their love, through words and touch. Even when disagreeing speak the truth in love.

1 comment:

  1. Look back at what you ran from.. (not family) but why you ran... (Take that to GOD) He knows why Heather now you got to talk to him about it.. DON'T make excuse for yourself. ( HE KNOWS) then Ask him to forgive (if you feel its needed) then Forgive yourself..( burry the SHAME... )

    don't forget in your disagreeing with the truth in love.. soft answers turn away wrath.. and YEA you can be HARSH and LOVING at the same time.. Think before you speak.. :)

    Love you bunches and will be praying for you. :)