Sunday, October 18, 2009

Lost in it all...

I have not posted in quite a while.

Frankly I have not known where to start. I have so much going on that I was not ready to share. Fearful things and happy things at the same time.

I just have not been ready to put them out in words for the world to see.

This will be an emotional week of waiting for me. We have been trying to get my great neice and nephew placed in our home through the foster care system. This week I hope to hear back an answer. We have been working towards this for over a month now. Stressful. Emotionful.

There are hurdles only God can remove. I know He is faithful. I know He has a plan for all of this. I WILL trust in His timing and His will. Again I say I WILL! I am repeating myself to convince myself. This has been tough for me, to trust fully in what He will do with my life. To know I have not have failed my heavenly Father if He chooses not to give me my niece and nephew. He has trusted me with so much already. I am just scared. I will get through this with Him by my side.

In this past month I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Sure, aren't I always! This is different. My motherly instinct has kicked into overdrive for these kids. All the preperations we have done to our home. We built an additional bedroom in our basement. Moved the kids bedrooms all around to accomadate the possiblity of two more children.  Time spent just thinking about them and how they could change our lives. The love that has grown for them in my heart. Longing to hold them and care for their needs. 

This week that could all come to an end, which could be good or bad. I groan at the thought that some government agency is in control of their future and ours. If turned down to foster them I hope to still be in their lives somehow. I don't know how that will work. I just know I ache for them. To hold them. To show them what love really is. To give them a normal life. To not have them feel abandoned by their whole family. To give them something real to hang onto. To help them, whatever that looks like in God's eyes.

He has prepared my heart to be there for these children in any way He will allow me to. I will NOT fail Him in that.  I will not lie and tell you that this has and will be easy. No matter the decision, my life will be and has been changed forever. God has opened my eyes to things I never imagined and most people could not fathom.

Lord, please protect my little niece and nephew. If it be Your will for them to be in our home, open the doors. If not please allow me to show them Your love, however I can do that. Put people in their lives that Love you Lord. Be with the people making the decisions about their future. Guide them, Lord. Give them Your wisdom. Whatever Your decsion Lord, I will trust in You.

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