Tuesday, July 10, 2012


My life has been affected by suicide. More times that I care to admit. But I feel led to admit it, to talk about it. To heal my wounds. My prayer in writing this post is that someone who is struggling with dealing with suicide in their life will find some healing.

"Respect The Need To Grieve
Often ignored in their grief are the parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouses and children of persons who have suicided.

Why? Because of the nature of the death, it is sometimes kept a secret. If the death cannot be talked about openly, the wounds of grief will go unhealed. "

Taken from...http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml
My first close encounter happened when my sister's husband's Grandpa ended his life. Phew that was a mouthful! My sister clearly remembers our father talking to her husband. Telling him how sorry he was, that he didn't understand why someone would take their own life. I don't remember getting a full understanding of why he did this. I think there was a doctors visit that he just never came home from. Instead he went and ended his life. Maybe he got bad news that he just couldn't deal with.

A few years later the same man that didn't understand why someone would take their own life; understood why and took his own life. My father killed himself November 9th, 1995. First he took the life of my mother, then his own life.
I really think I would have gone to see him in prison had he not taken his own life. There are times I think of him with a hate so fierce that I grit my teeth. Then there are just as many, if not more, times that I think of him and long for him. I miss him and love him greatly. He had no right to pull that trigger on either of them. But he did and now we live with that pain daily. Not talking about it, doesn't make it go away.

In 2004 my sister in-law overdosed on prescription drugs that were not her own. I believe it was close to Christmas time. She had cancer. It's debated if she intended to end her life or not. But her life ended because of her self medicating with meds that were not her own. No matter what dealer gave them to her, she chose to take them.

In May of 2005 my mother in-law overdosed on prescription drugs that were not prescribed to her. She was a drug user for as long as I knew her. No one knows if she ended her life on purpose or accident. But I do know she was not forced to take those pills. Even if someone else handed them to her or got them for her. She was an adult who took too many pills trying to dull the pain of living and died because of it.

Her brother ended his life as well. My husbands uncle. His son died in a car crash, drunk driving, with in a year of my mother in-laws death. Then with in a year of his son dieing he took his own life.

Now fresh and new my paternal Grandmother ended her own life on July 8th, 2012. I'm sure my grandma must have wondered many times what my dad was thinking and why did he have to take his own life and his wife's life!?  We didn't talk about it much. I wish it wasn't the elephant in the room that it has become. My Grandpa, her husband, has been in and out of the hospital for the last month. I have not been very involved in all of it and just heard about his troubles a week ago. I'm told his doctor said he was fine, normal old age stuff. Grandpa made up his mind that he was dying and stopped eating. He is alive and in the hospital right now. What was she was thinking that she decided it was better to die than to live, we will not know exactly. She was in pain. The dominoes tipped over and could not be righted again.

When my sister told me my dad had said he didn't know what someone would have to be thinking to end their life. The first thing I said was, "Lord, we are next!" The second thing I said was, "shit".  As we both have said the same thing, many times now. Of course I was joking, but it really could be true. I pray I never feel that kind of desperation. I pray no one else feels that kind of desperation, but the reality is, they will. We live in a sin cursed world.

How much can one heart bear Lord? I hurt tonight Jesus, more than most nights. Wrap my Grandpa in your loving arms, Lord. Help him want to keep living. To get better and get out of the hospital. Help those that care for him know what to say to comfort him in his time of loss. Give the doctors wisdom and discernment in how to care for him. In Jesus name, Amen.


  1. This was the most heartbreaking blog post I've ever read. My family has its problems, but I can't imagine going through so many deaths, let alone suicides. My sister and I joke like you and yours. Nothing about it is funny, but it's nice to have someone that understands. She and I have vowed to break the chain of sinfulness that is prevalent in our family. I will pray for you to have that same strength to change your family history from here on.