Trusted with much...

I have never thought of this in this way till today.

I am not looking up the verse right now, but its the story about God giving much to those he can trust with few..or something like that. Gosh that sounds so backwards, I know I got something wrong in translation there.

Well, tonight I sit here relishing in how much I have felt like such a failure at MUCH. I have felt like  God should NOT trust me with anything a bit in my life. I feel unworthy of His trust.

Tonight I feel as if He trusts with much. I felt that God was telling me I have been faithful in an area of my life that He can trust me with more in that area.

I feel this overwhelming joy and hope and peace. God has been giving me so much trust and faith in ME. ME, just to type it is amazing. Me of little faith, of little trust. Me who always needs to feel IN control...when He is the one really in control. Today He showed me where I have been faithful to Him.

In having trusted me with MUCH in this area of my life this last week,  I have seen that I must have been faithful with little in this same area.

A lot of this will sound all brambly and not make any sense to most of my readers if not all 3 of them ;) But I feel the need to post this tonight. Maybe you are seeking affirmation from God. Look at what He keeps giving you MORE of and realize that YOU are faithful to Him with it! Sometimes the MORE feels like a burden at the time and sometimes its joyful. But He has trusted YOU! He has faith in YOU! As I have seen that He has Faith in ME. 

Thank you Lord for showing me where I am faithful to You. Forgive me for the areas I still need to work on being faithful. Forgive me for when I take control. Know Lord I will still screw it up.  Give me the strength and wisdom to be a more faithful servant of Yours.

The little things...

Tonight I let my old self bring my forgiven self down. I allowed her to beat up the new me. I allowed her to make me cry. I let her treat me like the POS that I used to be.

I am not perfect, and never claim to be. Then little things brightened my night.

Things like sharing in the joys of being a proud a parent with a friend. Having all the chickens in the coop; not having to carry them from the barn to the coop. Seeing new hair growing in on my goats nose. Which means I finally found the item she was deficient in that was causing her nose to go bald. (Yeah!!) Go figure it was Zinc. All she needed was some baby butt creme rubbed into her balding nose and wallah, nose hair grows back! Cheap easy fix. A fix I have been searching for months now.

Yes, the kids did not go to bed when told. Yes, they got up several times. Yes, my day was filled with  whining and anger. Some mine, some theirs.

But I am moving forward and learning and growing. Everyday makes for a brighter tomorrow.

I will not let the old me tell the woman I have become that I am not worthy. God has deemed me worthy. Thank you Lord!  He knows I will never be perfect and I will still mess up BADLY, but He loves me anyway!

Is your sin somehow lesser than mine?

I have been struggling with posting reality. My reality. That somehow my struggles, my issues, are somehow worse than yours. But maybe you silently struggle with sin as well.

"We all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God." Romans 3:23. We are taught this. Do we really believe it?

Why then do I hide my sins? We all sin. I know we are ashamed of it. But also if I admit my sins then won't I have to stop sinning?

I choose everyday to sin. Yes, everyday. Yes, choose!

I have sin in my life that God has convicted me of, time and time again, and I choose to keep sinning. The bible tells me that there is no trouble that I experience that is not known to man. That means that others out there have or are currently struggling with thee same sins I am.

While I do not see a point in wallowing in our sins together, wouldn't being more transparent help us to see we are not alone? That we too will get through this. That we can conquer it.

When you think of sins, what comes to mind? Adultery, anger, lust, selfishness, pornography, forsaking fellowship, murder, greed, over eating, stealing, putting others before God, worry, fear, wasting time, wasting money, ungratefulness,..... the list goes on. What it boils down to is whatever God has laid on your heart that you are doing that is wrong. I have sinned every sin on that list at one point in my life. I am ashamed of that. Some of those sins I have conquered, many I still struggle with.

Does that mean that my sins are worse than yours? If I am dealing with fear and anger, but you struggle with ungratefulness...oh shame on you! NO!!! That is not how it works!

Inspired by MckDaddy who has a much better way with words, so please read his blog too. 

Heavy heart = Thankful heart

The adult son of a person dear to me was diagnosed today with Hodgkins Lymphoma. My heart is heavy for their family.

I am saddened by my own thought process right now. I find myself thankful that God does not feel I could handle that in my life. I am thankful it is not my child. My heartaches for her, but I have faith in my God that He is already seeing her through this time in her life. I know He would do the same for me, but still I am thankful. I would be a wreck.

Seeing this happening in her family has reminded me of emotions I had almost 5 years ago when a bone tumor was accidentally found in Corey's right femur. Then over the course of several months the diagnosis being confirmed over and over again that it was a benign tumor.

He still has check ups, the last one being a year or two ago, another good reminder to call and see if he is due for his next checkup yet. He has never had a biopsy of the tumor, which always leaves this margin for error in my mind..sigh. As he approaches puberty I have to remember that God is in control. New concerns enter my mind of that tumor changing as he changes. Of that tumor affecting his growth. And I have to remember that if He brings us to it (whatever it is in our lives), He will bring us through it. God will only give me as much as I can handle. I pray often that I will never be able to handle one of my children having a serious illness or dieing.

Lord Jesus, be with the Rudd's as they have many choices and decisions to sift through. Give them wisdom and your strength. Give them unity and peace, Lord. A peace that passes all understanding. Bless them Lord as they seek Your direction and guidance. I thank you for them. They are such a blessing. My heart is heavy for them, God. Please ease all trouble minds and hearts tonight as we are all praying for Caleb and his family. Bring us all peace Lord. Amen. 

Finding the positive...cause there is LOTS there.

I was thinking about the stuff I had been posting on facebook today, most of it seemed negative in someway.

Kids acting out BAD, Hubby backed into the van w/the boss's plow truck...

So I am gonna take a moment to refresh my positivity for the day.

1. Collin (8 years old) made lunch almost completely by himself! I supervised, but not the whole time. He browned the hamburger, measured the water, and stirred together the hamburger helper. He boiled the water, opened the boxes and dumped in the macaroni for mac and cheese. He opened the cheese powder, w/out spilling it all over! He set the table including getting out salad and raw veggies. Later on he did the dishes too. He also picked up his "saloon" he made in the basement out of folding chairs, a table, a baby gate, and playing cards. VERY inventive idea that blocked my way to my laundry room and he was done playing with it. He also read his books tonight, too.When reminded he put away his snow suit and boots after coming in from outside.

2. Corey (12 years old) made a cake completely by himself. He preheated the oven. Remembered to put the eggs in it. Greased the pan. Put the cake in the oven. Tested it for doneness. Took it out of the oven. ALL by himself. I did not even supervise. I was outside. He also cleared the snow off the van and played outside with Collin rather well, despite the all day "slug" fest we had been having. He hung up his coat and snow pants and put his boots and mittens away too.

3. Elaine (5 years old) picked up her barbies when told. As well as more of the living room. She helped set the table and clear the table. She filled the hole back in, that she tore out of the cake. Stretching for more on that one.. ;) She went to her bed and took her nap when told. She read her books tonight. When she acted wrong and was corrected she stopped.

4. Lindsey (my dear husband) made it to work 15 minutes early today! He worked hard, plowing the parking lot at work most of the day. And did his other workday duties. He took the movies back the library and picked out new ones. He came home and could not get in the driveway, so he went to his boss's house to borrow his plow truck. He did not totally kill my van when he backed into it with the plow truck ;) He took the Lawson's milk to them, they live next door to his boss. He went back to the Lawson's, selflessly, to offer help. After all that he vegged out on the couch most of the evening, much deserved I would say. He has been making an effort for weeks to take his shoes off in the basement.

So, point being when I really take a look back on this crazy "negative" day there were MANY things that were positive. Choosing to be grateful tonight for things both big and small.

I was able to connect with many friends today. Received many smiles and laughs. Life is good...breathing in that slow breath of contentment. Ahhhh.

F U

Twice in one night but this is soooo funny!

Lindsey, "How do you spell Merciful?"

Me fast, "m e r c i f u l"

Lindsey, "wow hold on m e r s"

Me, "No c"

Lindsey, "OK, m e r c i f l"

Me, "No, f u."

cue laughter....

Short but Sweet

Collin(8 years old) , "Hey I did my work. I picked up my chest"

He meant chess.

Me, "Really, was it heavy?"

Collin, "haha mom."