Random Facts Not to be Envied

1. I have been divorced.

2. Said divorce was because I cheated.

I struggle with this and other sins against others I have committed in my life.

Every. Day.

Fears

Think about what your worst fear is. Is it of something tangible. Spiders, small spaces, water, or something else. Is it something intangable, like fear of rejection.

My greatest fear is fear of abandonment. I don't want to be left. Its much like fear of rejection. That coupled with my greastest need, to belong, gives me this constant power struggle in my heart.

I want to feel loved and have a "place to belong". Someone to belong to. Someone who seeks me out and wants me to belong to them. Someone who won't leave me. So, I search for that person. Then I become fearful that they will leave me. So I flip out. I pull back and in essence make my own fear a reality.

I don't do this with everyone, mind you. But it seems to be my pattern. I have short lived friendships that never get very deep, for the most part. I have a few select friends that I have let into my world.

I usually start out full force and wear my heart on my sleeve. Willing to share all of me, then I get let down. Questions left unanwered. Calls not returned. Life just happening. Then sometimes purposefully, sometimes not, I withdrawal. I don't want to be abondaned so I back off of that friend that doesn't seem "that into me". Cause you know its 'all about ME'! Right?

Yesterday was a tough day of remember it's not all about me. I know that it's not. I don't consider myself a selfish person in general. I definately have my selfish moments, tho. Yesterday was one of them.

I had a pity party for myself wondering if I have anyone in my life that would allow their life to STOP dead in its tracks should I need them for anything. Big or small.  Anyone that thinks of me first to turn to for help when in need of the same thing.

I know in my heart of hearts that God will supply such things when they are needed. He did just that over this past summer in a big way. Just not the people I thought they would be. While others kept asking me why I was willing to put myself out there like that. It gave me a reality check. So, I was just was doubting and hurting yesterday.

I know I need to keep putting myself out there for friendships, even when people let me down. Even when I let them down. The Bible is a book about relationships. There are alot of "one anothers" in the Bible. God designed us to be with each other. Not to retreat inside ourselves. But to hold each other up, "Yet, it is was good of you to share in my afflictions." Philipians 4:14 is my favorite verse. Yes, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13...but I have to remember what comes after that.

I have to remember so that I keep being relational. So, I keep putting myself out there. So, I remember others can be feeling like me. Others might be hurting when I withdrawal, as much as I hurt when they do.

While also finding the balance of trying to be all for all. Can't do that either. I have to lean on Christ to be my everything, but allow Him to use me to be a glimpse of Christ for someone else.

I will be lonely, but He is always there.

I will be grouchy, but He will give me peace.

I will get scared and fearful, but He will never leave me!

He alone is worthy of all praise.

Those are the things I need to lean on and remember. He knows my needs and fears. Hurts will come and go, but He remains.

Forgiveness

I am not new to forgiving others.

I was able to forgive my Dad for killing my mother and then himself. That was hard, but not like this. He was dead, I did not have to have him in my life. Tho I miss him dearly and still love him. I KNOW how to forgive and the healing it brings.


But today, I struggle with it. I just wanna be mad for a while. Ever been there?

My almost 7 year old daughter drank gasoline that my husband put in a pop bottle this past Saturday.

She is fine, thank God.

It scared me greatly. He was careless. He doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation, either. She did not drink much and it mostly made her act slightly drunk. Tired and dizzy. Extreme stomache pain. Gasoline breath for three days.



I thank God He knew I could not handle something horrid happening to my little girl and He spared her life.

I want to cry everytime I think of what might have happened. I was not home when it happend. I arrived a half hour after. My husband had not called poison control to see if she should have milk, what to watch for, or if she should go to the ER. He did wash her face and have her rinse her mouth with water.


I understand that it only hurts me to harbor this anger and unforgiving attitude I hold on to. I know it will take root and grow into bitterness.

Then why? I know others struggle with bigger issues than this.

How do I get past this Lord?

Please pray with me about my attitude.

No place to cry

If you know me at all or have read any of my previous posts, you know I struggle with being a good wife and feeling loved by my husband. He's a "typical" male by most worldly standards. He doesn't want to be my best friend, his words not mine.

Well, while I was milking the goats and having a pity party in my head. Listening to my Christian radio station and thinking, "How can I take this marriage even ONE more day?"

I stand up from milking and look over and see this....

He must of done it last night when filling my goats water buckets in 8 degree weather. He is not a total jerk after all, right? :)  In case you can't see it, he wrote "I love you" in the frost on the window of my barn door.

It was still 8 degrees out and there was no way I was gonna sit down and have a good frozen teared cry out there. It can wait. I went inside and called him at work and said, "I just wanted to thank you for getting up every morning and going to work. Thank you for providing for our family."

We do love each other, we just struggle more than what I think most couples do. Keeping it real here, so if you are struggling, you know your not alone. Just look for frosted windows to keep hope alive.

Thinking

When I stay up too late, I think too much.

That is a stand alone blog in and of itself. If I don't say so myself, which I did..so ummm.

I just went through my old blog posts and tried to see the growth in my life. What, wait...did u read that? Try again, I think you missed it.

"I just went through my old blog post and TRIED to see the growth in my life"

I spend too much time feeling defeated by my circumstances that I can't change, still.

I don't love my husband like he deserves, still.

I miss lost loved ones with a passion bigger than life, still. More so that I have new losses.

I corner the market of self pity and envy of others that have it together, still.

I fall short of giving God my all, still.

Lord, help me get this right! Help me give You the place You ask of for in my life. First place.

I put a sign on my computer about a year ago that says, "Have you spent time with your Savior?" I told myself I could not flip it over the back of the monitor until I had done just that. Spent time with my Savior in prayer and Bible reading. It lasted a month, if that. Its still there, folded back behind my computer with its little tape tab. In the back, where I have continued to put God in my life.

Why is doing the thing I want most so hard!?

How to Preserve a Husband

I found this on the back cover of the 1974 Ball Blue Book Easy Guide to Tasty, Thrifty Canning and Freezing. I will let it speak for itself.

How to Preserve

A Husband

Be careful in your selection. Do not choose too young. When selected, give your entire thoughts to preparation for domestic use. Some wives insist upon keeping them in a pickle, others are constantly getting them into hot water. this may make them sour, hard, and sometimes bitter; even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender and good, by garnishing them with patience, well sweetened with love, and seasoned with kisses. Wrap them in a mantle of charity. Keep warm with a steady fire of domestic devotion and serve with peaches and cream. Thus prepared, they will keep for years.

Projects Galore

So, today I decided to work on some projects from my "fix it" drawer.

First, Elaine, my daughter, had ripped the strap off her AWANA sparks bag. She ripped it over 2 years ago and our church no longer has a Sparks program, but hey her bag is fix!

Second, Elaine made a pillow in Sunday school a few weeks ago. It was a tube of fabric stuffed with fluff and tied the ends close with ribbon. The ribbon kept coming off, so Elaine unstuffed it turned it inside out and we stitched up the ends. Turned it again and restuffed it. Added some extra stuffing I had lying around to fill in the corners we created. Then closed the ends.

Now the one I am most excited about. About 3 or 4 years ago I had received a blue velvety dress in some hand me downs. The seam under the chest was coming loose. Elaine was obsessed with her belly button and would lift her dresses to get at it. She still does some days. She is six years old! Anyway, I had cut the dress at the seam and made the bottom into a skirt. Then put the top into the fix it drawer.

SEE

I  had kept the top of the dress just cause I have a hard time throwing a way a useful piece of fabric. Elaine wore the top around the house while I did the other projects. So, I decided to make the top into a shrug.

Thee best part of projects getting done? My daughter helping. :) She pushed the foot pedal for the sewing maching, unstuffed and stuffed the pillow, and removed pins. It was great!

Here is the end result.

OH wait that is my teenager going out to feed the calf. Why the helmet you ask? Cause he is a goof. He decided it would protect him from the calf bucking the bottle into his face! lol Inventive, huh?

Ok here is the real picture :)

And the modeled finished project. With the skirt that I had made out of the same dress over 3 years ago.