It just hit me. I know where, besides premenstrual, all my anger was coming from today. I also was having moments of EXTREME sadness.
I was missing my mom and angry at my dad. I had "thee talk" with my friend Christina last night. The talk I hardly have anymore. The talk that I shut people out of my life to avoid having. I told her about my parents death.
I normally keep people at bay and just tell them the "logistics" of it. You know, the blunt "my dad shot my mom and then shot himself". And just let the jaw drop and say, "ehh, its life what can you do?"
YES, really. The queen of detailed long conversations, shuts her mouth and keeps her heart guarded. When it comes to THAT day in time. BUT I told her everything. Every last draining detail. How certain smells still take me back to that day. How I felt hearing the words that was told me. What I did that day and the days following.
Every horrid detail. Well darn near. As much as I could handle at the time.
I shut it out most of the time. The voices, the faces, the guilt. I leave it locked away. I opened it up and let the hurt come back for that moment in time and it spilled over to my next day unknowingly. Back in the closet you go, I will deal w/u later pain.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Waste not, want not
So, I put that cake from last week into the freezer with plans for it. I had a party this Saturday at my house with a spring/summer feel. Here is what I turned that "ruined" cake into.
This was my first attempt at Fondant people. I had an awesome time creating this guy. I love cute and whimsical and LOVE LOVE taking something "ruined" and turning into something wonderful!
We had a very blessed time at the party, too. It was a Bic houseparty party. I LOVE House Party. This was our (me and my sisters) 3rd time hosting a houseparty party. She has already been selected for another for next month! We are hosting that one at my home as well, I have a bigger kitchen and its a canning party!! I am soo excited.
This was my first attempt at Fondant people. I had an awesome time creating this guy. I love cute and whimsical and LOVE LOVE taking something "ruined" and turning into something wonderful!
We had a very blessed time at the party, too. It was a Bic houseparty party. I LOVE House Party. This was our (me and my sisters) 3rd time hosting a houseparty party. She has already been selected for another for next month! We are hosting that one at my home as well, I have a bigger kitchen and its a canning party!! I am soo excited.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Three fits, lets try four!
So, I like to make cakes. That is understatement. I LOVE to make cakes. I have not gotten very creative with the actual "cake". I use "beefed up" box mixes. I am not a follow the directions kinda gal, with anything in life.
So, I was asked to make a baby shower type cake for a celebrating one step closer to adoption for a friend of mine. This is the resulting finished product. ALL things on the cake are made from scratch. The cake is even made from scratch... gasp! Don't worry there is story!
So. The story.
This was the second attempt at making this cake. It was made in a half sheet cake pan that I have used only once before. Remember I said I only use "beefed up" box cake mixes when making my cakes. When I used this pan the very first time I used three cake mixes. Which made the cake 2/3 white and 1/3 chocolate. It fit in the pan with room to spare. I wanted to make the cake an even half and half cake. So, four cake mixes it is!
Immediately upon getting all the batter in the pan I knew this was not going to go "as planned". OH well, we have gotten this far, what's a "little" extra batter gonna hurt? I thought I would just have a bit of a dome to cut off the cake to even it.
That's what I get for thinking.
Take note of the cake piles in the bottom of the oven, dubbed "horse turds" by the kids. Now look what the kids willing did with the "horse turds". YUMMY!
The cake in the pan is still edible. I froze it. I will decorate it next weekend for a "beach" themed party I am having to get the girls together for a house party! It is sunk in and that will become the "swimming hole". If all goes well.
I remade this cake, from scratch, to get the finished product in the first picture. This time I used a double batch of butter cake recipe. Now recall I have never made a cake from scratch, so that is a risky investment for me. Also, realize that I have no clue how many cups of batter this cake recipe will make either. I was prepared to deal with the consequences, again.
I figured how much worse could it get.
Well, I do not have a cooling rack big enough to hold a cake this size. So all I can do is flip it out on the cake board and allow it too cool. When I went to flip it over to cut off the slight domed top, the whole top of the cake stuck to the cake board. I did not take a picture of that. It was sticky and goey from the retained heat. I could not just scrape it off and stick it back together. I was able to save it, though. I took the cake bits I had to cut off around the edges and layed them in the hole in the middle of the cake. Wallah, flat even cake! Remember this was cake number two.
I did not have to make cake number three, thank God!
So, I was asked to make a baby shower type cake for a celebrating one step closer to adoption for a friend of mine. This is the resulting finished product. ALL things on the cake are made from scratch. The cake is even made from scratch... gasp! Don't worry there is story!
So. The story.
This was the second attempt at making this cake. It was made in a half sheet cake pan that I have used only once before. Remember I said I only use "beefed up" box cake mixes when making my cakes. When I used this pan the very first time I used three cake mixes. Which made the cake 2/3 white and 1/3 chocolate. It fit in the pan with room to spare. I wanted to make the cake an even half and half cake. So, four cake mixes it is!
Immediately upon getting all the batter in the pan I knew this was not going to go "as planned". OH well, we have gotten this far, what's a "little" extra batter gonna hurt? I thought I would just have a bit of a dome to cut off the cake to even it.
That's what I get for thinking.
Take note of the cake piles in the bottom of the oven, dubbed "horse turds" by the kids. Now look what the kids willing did with the "horse turds". YUMMY!
The cake in the pan is still edible. I froze it. I will decorate it next weekend for a "beach" themed party I am having to get the girls together for a house party! It is sunk in and that will become the "swimming hole". If all goes well.
I remade this cake, from scratch, to get the finished product in the first picture. This time I used a double batch of butter cake recipe. Now recall I have never made a cake from scratch, so that is a risky investment for me. Also, realize that I have no clue how many cups of batter this cake recipe will make either. I was prepared to deal with the consequences, again.
I figured how much worse could it get.
Well, I do not have a cooling rack big enough to hold a cake this size. So all I can do is flip it out on the cake board and allow it too cool. When I went to flip it over to cut off the slight domed top, the whole top of the cake stuck to the cake board. I did not take a picture of that. It was sticky and goey from the retained heat. I could not just scrape it off and stick it back together. I was able to save it, though. I took the cake bits I had to cut off around the edges and layed them in the hole in the middle of the cake. Wallah, flat even cake! Remember this was cake number two.
I did not have to make cake number three, thank God!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
EVERYTHING??? Oh come on you couldn't mean EVERYTHING!
"Do everything without complaining or ARGUING" Philippians 2:14....
WHAT!!??!! We are not supposed to fight and argue, God?
I remember a line in my "marriage counseling" stuff before we got married in a video we watched...an older mother was telling her adult daughter something, after her husband (the daughters father) had just yelled at the mother and the daughter asked her mom if she was gonna take that? she said "I will win my best friend back faster with kind words, than with harsh words." or something like that..but that's the point.
I am NOOO good at that! I am trying. Most of you know how well I speak my mind. Sometimes a personality asset, sometimes a flaw.
I get discouraged, almost daily, with the choices I make in my marriage. How to speak to my husband, respond to him, "serve him" (ohhhh bad word bad word..I am sure u r all saying that!), and submit to him as the head of the house. When I struggle with this things HOW can I get down on him for struggling with his "husbandly duties?" Things like loving me, kindness, serving me, providing....but u get the point.
He has his struggles just as I have mine. All to often its like Sharon, my pastors wife, used to tell my pastor, "Do you really think I am out to get you?" I am so blessed to have so many good godly examples of "how to do marriage." Then I hear of PASTORS doing it VERY wrong...sigh. NOT my pastors, but one woman had said 3/6 of her pastors in her lifetime had affairs on their wife's WITH someone IN the church!
And fidelity is not the only issue couples struggle with, just being KIND to one another...realizing we ARE in this TOGETHER...we have a common goal. We will NOT always agree on how to reach those goals or even what those goals should be!
But all in all, "Are we really out to get each other?" Some days I think YES. Honestly, most days I think YES!!! YES at the top of my lungs YES. But really are we? Honestly I think we just forget we are on the SAME team. We forget to build up and not tear down.
We know better than anyone out there how to push each others buttons. When I am worn out and tired from unexpected LONG days. When he has something on his mind to get done and I want something else done.
I forget to take a step back and take control of my own actions. To rely on God to deal with his bad attitudes. I know prayer works, I am just such a control freak!
God does NOT lie...he does not say if we love each other we should hurt one another and fight. We will have disagreements, but we need to speak the TRUTH in LOVE...
1 Corinthians 13:4-9 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,... See More
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails
WHAT!!??!! We are not supposed to fight and argue, God?
I remember a line in my "marriage counseling" stuff before we got married in a video we watched...an older mother was telling her adult daughter something, after her husband (the daughters father) had just yelled at the mother and the daughter asked her mom if she was gonna take that? she said "I will win my best friend back faster with kind words, than with harsh words." or something like that..but that's the point.
I am NOOO good at that! I am trying. Most of you know how well I speak my mind. Sometimes a personality asset, sometimes a flaw.
I get discouraged, almost daily, with the choices I make in my marriage. How to speak to my husband, respond to him, "serve him" (ohhhh bad word bad word..I am sure u r all saying that!), and submit to him as the head of the house. When I struggle with this things HOW can I get down on him for struggling with his "husbandly duties?" Things like loving me, kindness, serving me, providing....but u get the point.
He has his struggles just as I have mine. All to often its like Sharon, my pastors wife, used to tell my pastor, "Do you really think I am out to get you?" I am so blessed to have so many good godly examples of "how to do marriage." Then I hear of PASTORS doing it VERY wrong...sigh. NOT my pastors, but one woman had said 3/6 of her pastors in her lifetime had affairs on their wife's WITH someone IN the church!
And fidelity is not the only issue couples struggle with, just being KIND to one another...realizing we ARE in this TOGETHER...we have a common goal. We will NOT always agree on how to reach those goals or even what those goals should be!
But all in all, "Are we really out to get each other?" Some days I think YES. Honestly, most days I think YES!!! YES at the top of my lungs YES. But really are we? Honestly I think we just forget we are on the SAME team. We forget to build up and not tear down.
We know better than anyone out there how to push each others buttons. When I am worn out and tired from unexpected LONG days. When he has something on his mind to get done and I want something else done.
I forget to take a step back and take control of my own actions. To rely on God to deal with his bad attitudes. I know prayer works, I am just such a control freak!
God does NOT lie...he does not say if we love each other we should hurt one another and fight. We will have disagreements, but we need to speak the TRUTH in LOVE...
1 Corinthians 13:4-9 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,... See More
6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8Love never fails
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Patience or lack there of...
So, I decided I wanted to make goats milk lotion. I looked up the how to's online last night. Then went to the library and got some books today. Took the kids to the park and skimmed through the books till I found an "easy" starter lotion. With few ingredients that I figured I could get on the way home by stopping at 2 stores.
I got everything but the beeswax. Which was thee 'binding" agent or what they call the emulsifier to keep the oil and water/milk together.So, I said, "ehh I can use a different emulsifier instead." OF course the store did not have any of the "good" ones on my list. So I settled for coconut oil and a thickening agent, that was not on my list of "acceptable" ingredients either.
Off I go home to try out MY recipe to make lotion...as it now resembled NOTHING in the books or things I read online ;)
Well it smells good and moisturizes. So I would call it lotion. But is thin, greasy, grainy, and looks to have separated out some. So, I would not call it GOOD lotion.
I have put out a "call" for local beeswax suppliers...in the mean time my lack of patience took over again. I bought a few ounces on ebay. I will not give up the homemade milk lotion quest till I get a GOOD batch of lotion.
Not only do I lack patience, but I am stubborn too!
I got everything but the beeswax. Which was thee 'binding" agent or what they call the emulsifier to keep the oil and water/milk together.So, I said, "ehh I can use a different emulsifier instead." OF course the store did not have any of the "good" ones on my list. So I settled for coconut oil and a thickening agent, that was not on my list of "acceptable" ingredients either.
Off I go home to try out MY recipe to make lotion...as it now resembled NOTHING in the books or things I read online ;)
Well it smells good and moisturizes. So I would call it lotion. But is thin, greasy, grainy, and looks to have separated out some. So, I would not call it GOOD lotion.
I have put out a "call" for local beeswax suppliers...in the mean time my lack of patience took over again. I bought a few ounces on ebay. I will not give up the homemade milk lotion quest till I get a GOOD batch of lotion.
Not only do I lack patience, but I am stubborn too!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Diapering
In all my years of diapering children. Including diapering my 2 younger brothers. So were are talking more than half my life, 21 plus years of diapering. Of course not constant years...anyway you anal people.
I have NEVER had a child POO again right away, just as I was about to strap down the second velcro tab. Yes, I have been peed on and pooed on. Yes, I have had a baby poo before the diaper was even under their butt.
But this trick of Alexus's is a new one for me. She gave a stretch and filled her diaper up again for me.
So, in a matter of 2 minutes I got to change her diaper for the first and second time!
For those of you don't know, Alexus is my Great niece. She came home from the hospital today and is 7 days old now too! I had the pleasure of helping her mother (my niece) during labor and to see her born. She is so precious.
Have I mentioned how much I love her?
I have NEVER had a child POO again right away, just as I was about to strap down the second velcro tab. Yes, I have been peed on and pooed on. Yes, I have had a baby poo before the diaper was even under their butt.
But this trick of Alexus's is a new one for me. She gave a stretch and filled her diaper up again for me.
So, in a matter of 2 minutes I got to change her diaper for the first and second time!
For those of you don't know, Alexus is my Great niece. She came home from the hospital today and is 7 days old now too! I had the pleasure of helping her mother (my niece) during labor and to see her born. She is so precious.
Have I mentioned how much I love her?
Friday, April 2, 2010
I think too much....
It's been a week since my last post. I think I will re-post here a note I wrote on facebook.
Also, please pray for me to be consistently in the Word. I am struggling.
Here is the note....
I have been experiencing chest pains for about 2 months now.
I went to the ER a little more than a month ago..no cardiac issues to be found. But I have a stress test scheduled for the 15th still. I don't believe it is my heart....
Long story short, I think it has to do w/my digestive system possibly gallbladder or some other bile functioning. The chest pains are now turning into upper right ab pain as well. So, now I have BOTH pains.
All things point to something to do with my bile production.
Had an ultrasound today that was "Normal". Now the doctor (Kay Jones) would like to do a HIDA Scan.... http://www.mayoclinic.com/
ONE thing u need to take note of here before reading further is that I am very anti-medications. In the sense that I prefer herbal and homeopathic meds and ways to treat stuff. but I am at a loss of where to go from here with this. At this point I don't even have a diagnosis for WHAT is causing the pain to know WHAT to do about it!
TWO things..
1. I am scared to do the scan because of the radioactive stuff they will be injecting into me.... all the detoxing of gallbladder flushes, things like that...say do not do them when u have pain. I have constant pain of varying degrees. I don't know where the problem is at and I am just plain scared and want answers.
2. if I decide to do this test...what do u recommend to flush this radioactive stuff out of my system as fast as possible?
OK so 3 things..
3. What should I be doing, besides low fat, high fiber...ok ok ok..I know a lot of the answers...certain things that support liver/bile function...but not sure which ones..well know some of the shaklee products. but that is liver dtx...isn't that for a detox situation..versus everyday support ? and I don't know if it's my liver OR a blocked or leaking duct..or something like that or my gallbladder not functioning right...pancreatic problems...WHO knows at this point. SO I am inclined to get the test to make sure things are not in "disrepair". like leaking or blocked.
OH and 4. the doc wants me to take zantac (I think that is the normal brand name for it) but I have the information for the generic stuff...Ranitidine... its for GERD and to treat and prevent ulcers. its a histamine blocker. I don't think my body is deficient in this drug and I don't like the "take this med and see what it does" answers. I am not an experiment! I want real answers, with least amount of side effects.
The ultrasound showed no gallstones. I do not want to have my gallbladder removed if possible. I have read too many stories where that does not turn out good, when there is no stones involved. People still in discomfort and having to follow a strict diet, that they may have been able to "save" the gallbladder had they done the diet in the first place..and now are forced to do it.
Anyway, before I write a longer book..sigh... can anyone offer any help in those questions I asked?
Heather
Also, please pray for me to be consistently in the Word. I am struggling.
Here is the note....
I have been experiencing chest pains for about 2 months now.
I went to the ER a little more than a month ago..no cardiac issues to be found. But I have a stress test scheduled for the 15th still. I don't believe it is my heart....
Long story short, I think it has to do w/my digestive system possibly gallbladder or some other bile functioning. The chest pains are now turning into upper right ab pain as well. So, now I have BOTH pains.
All things point to something to do with my bile production.
Had an ultrasound today that was "Normal". Now the doctor (Kay Jones) would like to do a HIDA Scan.... http://www.mayoclinic.com/
ONE thing u need to take note of here before reading further is that I am very anti-medications. In the sense that I prefer herbal and homeopathic meds and ways to treat stuff. but I am at a loss of where to go from here with this. At this point I don't even have a diagnosis for WHAT is causing the pain to know WHAT to do about it!
TWO things..
1. I am scared to do the scan because of the radioactive stuff they will be injecting into me.... all the detoxing of gallbladder flushes, things like that...say do not do them when u have pain. I have constant pain of varying degrees. I don't know where the problem is at and I am just plain scared and want answers.
2. if I decide to do this test...what do u recommend to flush this radioactive stuff out of my system as fast as possible?
OK so 3 things..
3. What should I be doing, besides low fat, high fiber...ok ok ok..I know a lot of the answers...certain things that support liver/bile function...but not sure which ones..well know some of the shaklee products. but that is liver dtx...isn't that for a detox situation..versus everyday support ? and I don't know if it's my liver OR a blocked or leaking duct..or something like that or my gallbladder not functioning right...pancreatic problems...WHO knows at this point. SO I am inclined to get the test to make sure things are not in "disrepair". like leaking or blocked.
OH and 4. the doc wants me to take zantac (I think that is the normal brand name for it) but I have the information for the generic stuff...Ranitidine... its for GERD and to treat and prevent ulcers. its a histamine blocker. I don't think my body is deficient in this drug and I don't like the "take this med and see what it does" answers. I am not an experiment! I want real answers, with least amount of side effects.
The ultrasound showed no gallstones. I do not want to have my gallbladder removed if possible. I have read too many stories where that does not turn out good, when there is no stones involved. People still in discomfort and having to follow a strict diet, that they may have been able to "save" the gallbladder had they done the diet in the first place..and now are forced to do it.
Anyway, before I write a longer book..sigh... can anyone offer any help in those questions I asked?
Heather
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