Random Facts Not to be Envied

1. I have been divorced.

2. Said divorce was because I cheated.

I struggle with this and other sins against others I have committed in my life.

Every. Day.

Fears

Think about what your worst fear is. Is it of something tangible. Spiders, small spaces, water, or something else. Is it something intangable, like fear of rejection.

My greatest fear is fear of abandonment. I don't want to be left. Its much like fear of rejection. That coupled with my greastest need, to belong, gives me this constant power struggle in my heart.

I want to feel loved and have a "place to belong". Someone to belong to. Someone who seeks me out and wants me to belong to them. Someone who won't leave me. So, I search for that person. Then I become fearful that they will leave me. So I flip out. I pull back and in essence make my own fear a reality.

I don't do this with everyone, mind you. But it seems to be my pattern. I have short lived friendships that never get very deep, for the most part. I have a few select friends that I have let into my world.

I usually start out full force and wear my heart on my sleeve. Willing to share all of me, then I get let down. Questions left unanwered. Calls not returned. Life just happening. Then sometimes purposefully, sometimes not, I withdrawal. I don't want to be abondaned so I back off of that friend that doesn't seem "that into me". Cause you know its 'all about ME'! Right?

Yesterday was a tough day of remember it's not all about me. I know that it's not. I don't consider myself a selfish person in general. I definately have my selfish moments, tho. Yesterday was one of them.

I had a pity party for myself wondering if I have anyone in my life that would allow their life to STOP dead in its tracks should I need them for anything. Big or small.  Anyone that thinks of me first to turn to for help when in need of the same thing.

I know in my heart of hearts that God will supply such things when they are needed. He did just that over this past summer in a big way. Just not the people I thought they would be. While others kept asking me why I was willing to put myself out there like that. It gave me a reality check. So, I was just was doubting and hurting yesterday.

I know I need to keep putting myself out there for friendships, even when people let me down. Even when I let them down. The Bible is a book about relationships. There are alot of "one anothers" in the Bible. God designed us to be with each other. Not to retreat inside ourselves. But to hold each other up, "Yet, it is was good of you to share in my afflictions." Philipians 4:14 is my favorite verse. Yes, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13...but I have to remember what comes after that.

I have to remember so that I keep being relational. So, I keep putting myself out there. So, I remember others can be feeling like me. Others might be hurting when I withdrawal, as much as I hurt when they do.

While also finding the balance of trying to be all for all. Can't do that either. I have to lean on Christ to be my everything, but allow Him to use me to be a glimpse of Christ for someone else.

I will be lonely, but He is always there.

I will be grouchy, but He will give me peace.

I will get scared and fearful, but He will never leave me!

He alone is worthy of all praise.

Those are the things I need to lean on and remember. He knows my needs and fears. Hurts will come and go, but He remains.