Finding the positive...cause there is LOTS there.

I was thinking about the stuff I had been posting on facebook today, most of it seemed negative in someway.

Kids acting out BAD, Hubby backed into the van w/the boss's plow truck...

So I am gonna take a moment to refresh my positivity for the day.

1. Collin (8 years old) made lunch almost completely by himself! I supervised, but not the whole time. He browned the hamburger, measured the water, and stirred together the hamburger helper. He boiled the water, opened the boxes and dumped in the macaroni for mac and cheese. He opened the cheese powder, w/out spilling it all over! He set the table including getting out salad and raw veggies. Later on he did the dishes too. He also picked up his "saloon" he made in the basement out of folding chairs, a table, a baby gate, and playing cards. VERY inventive idea that blocked my way to my laundry room and he was done playing with it. He also read his books tonight, too.When reminded he put away his snow suit and boots after coming in from outside.

2. Corey (12 years old) made a cake completely by himself. He preheated the oven. Remembered to put the eggs in it. Greased the pan. Put the cake in the oven. Tested it for doneness. Took it out of the oven. ALL by himself. I did not even supervise. I was outside. He also cleared the snow off the van and played outside with Collin rather well, despite the all day "slug" fest we had been having. He hung up his coat and snow pants and put his boots and mittens away too.

3. Elaine (5 years old) picked up her barbies when told. As well as more of the living room. She helped set the table and clear the table. She filled the hole back in, that she tore out of the cake. Stretching for more on that one.. ;) She went to her bed and took her nap when told. She read her books tonight. When she acted wrong and was corrected she stopped.

4. Lindsey (my dear husband) made it to work 15 minutes early today! He worked hard, plowing the parking lot at work most of the day. And did his other workday duties. He took the movies back the library and picked out new ones. He came home and could not get in the driveway, so he went to his boss's house to borrow his plow truck. He did not totally kill my van when he backed into it with the plow truck ;) He took the Lawson's milk to them, they live next door to his boss. He went back to the Lawson's, selflessly, to offer help. After all that he vegged out on the couch most of the evening, much deserved I would say. He has been making an effort for weeks to take his shoes off in the basement.

So, point being when I really take a look back on this crazy "negative" day there were MANY things that were positive. Choosing to be grateful tonight for things both big and small.

I was able to connect with many friends today. Received many smiles and laughs. Life is good...breathing in that slow breath of contentment. Ahhhh.

F U

Twice in one night but this is soooo funny!

Lindsey, "How do you spell Merciful?"

Me fast, "m e r c i f u l"

Lindsey, "wow hold on m e r s"

Me, "No c"

Lindsey, "OK, m e r c i f l"

Me, "No, f u."

cue laughter....

Short but Sweet

Collin(8 years old) , "Hey I did my work. I picked up my chest"

He meant chess.

Me, "Really, was it heavy?"

Collin, "haha mom."

Ton of Bricks?

Sometimes it creeps up on me. Others it hits me like a ton of bricks. Tonight it feels like a bit of both.

I get these moments where I miss my mom more than I can explain.

Tonight it came on slowly, I didn't realize it was creeping up. Then it hit me all at once what was happening, what I was realizing. I want to feel loved by someone and love someone so much that I would feel as if I had died if they did.

I remember in highschool dating and when I left my boyfriends house he would ask me to call him when I got home. So he knew I made it home safely. And he would do the same for me. An old love would look out his window at me as I left. This made me feel safe and secure. As if he wanted to make sure I made it to my car ok and all was well. It made me feel loved. As if he wanted to see me for one last moment before I left. It would make my soul smile with love and contentment and security.

Last Tuesday my neighbors came over and told me that someone had been driving by my house and video taping it. I was home alone and freaked out. I called a friend. I freaked out some more.

Tonight at 11 pm on my way out to milk the goat a car was driving by slow. Honked once and drove in my drive way. I set my water bucket down and went up to the car. It was a car shaped like an old loves car. A love that I thought I had a chance of having that kind of love with. It of course was not him, it was an older couple asking questions about the house for sale next door. Seriously, people, 11pm at night? Anyway, I was more upset that my mind went to feeling ignored and wanting to feel so loved. That I allowed my mind to think it could have been that old love coming out at that time of night.

I stood in my milk barn and cried for what could have been. For longing for someone to love me so much that it hurts. Lindsey loves me. Don't get me wrong. It's just not the same love I long for. That I feel I have never fully had.

So while I washed my dishes I asked Lindsey if he has ever loved someone so much that it would feel like he had died if they did. He said, "yes." I asked him what did he do about it. He misunderstood me and told me he probably would die. He thought I said what WOULD he do about it. I said NO what DID you do about it. He had no response.  I know he was trying to say he loved me that way. So, why don't I feel it? Why can't he come up with a reason what he DID with that feeling? If he feels that way, why doesn't it show?

So, I dropped it and silently finished my dishes. Then I sat down to the computer and I thought this through. It dawned on me, I have been humanly loved that much before. I just never got to tell her I knew she loved me that much. I am talking about my mothers love for me. I sat here and cried for her. Crying for a way to get that out. The words to explain that feeling.

I was not always kind to her. I called her a bitch and told her I hated her. That it was her fault my boyfriend had broken up with me. I left her more than once.  Always for a guy. Put her on the back burner. Left her wondering if I was dead or alive.  She always took me back. She never judged me. She never said hateful things to me.  She loved me like NO other could.

I miss her.

Keeping Busy...got a life?

Well in an effort to be so busy I won't have time to clean house, but will need to anyway. I am going to be taking and hosting some classes over the next couple months :D

Starting the First Thursday in March I am going to take a cake decorating class at Michael's. It goes for all the Thursday's in March.

Then the Last Tuesday in March I start hosting cheese making class at my home for 6 weeks. SO, for 6 weeks I will have a fairly clean house for these strangers to come into ;)

I still want to keep knitting, crocheting, working out, getting together w/friends, reading my bible (sigh been neglectful of this one), and just living day to day life. It's only one night a week for 10 weeks. I am sure it will be fine. The Thursday one is probably more difficult to swing than the Tuesday's at my house for cheese. Tuesday's my family is already preoccupied at church. Which means Tuesday's was my free night to myself. Figured I better plan something better than Gyno visits and dentist appointments;)

Connection

I have been thinking a bit lately about how I connect with people. 

Thinking in tech terms. I use face book walls, inbox, and chat, email, and sms messaging from my computer to a cell phone text thing. I don't text from my cell phone, its ancient and pay per use. I call people on their cell phones and occasionally receive calls on my cell phone.

But when it comes down to it my favorite method of connecting to people is face to face. If face to face is not possible from distance or time constraints I enjoy phone calls. Calling or sitting together seems so much more personally and time consuming. I like to text and chat online when I want to be able to walk away from the conversation and no big deal. But when I want to feel more connected and cared for I want to talk to you on the phone. I want your undivided attention. I want to give you mine.

I like to look into people eyes and see them. Hear them. Reach out and touch them.

But then there are moments I am in a room full of people and still feel alone. Not getting that connection with anyone. You know the feeling where your soul just smiles. That is a feeling I crave at times. I can go with out, but would prefer to have it, daily if possible.

Guilty

You ever get the feeling that the people that are closest to you treat you the worst?

Whether it is our friends or family. I think at one point in our lives we are all guilty of giving less than our best to the ones we love the most.

We get tired, worn down, and cranky. Particularly with those we MUST co-habitat with. Those we can't escape for longer than a few hours at a time. Sometimes we get a rare overnight or weekend away or we may have spouses that have to go out of town for work. I think that would make me even more cranky. I would be tempted to dump all the problems from the time he was away on him the second he walked in the door. That would get awful hairy, awful fast.

I know there are times when I know exactly what Lindsey is trying to tell me, but I ask the obvious questions anyway. Like tonight, he tells me he is going to air up the flat tire and drive it work. I asked him WHY? . I figured he was going to take it there to put the spare on and take the flat off,  but would not have put it past him to try to fix the flat. We have a warranty on the tire, so he can't try to repair it or it would void the warranty. So, that is what I was getting at with the WHY?. And my questions always seem to irritate him. He pretends he already gave the answer to the question I asked and gets offended and put off. I get short and snippy answers from him. He tells me why and then says that he already said that. I tell him no he didn't. He'll tell me yes he did, in his head, he mumbles under his breath. I am sure he sensed my tiny amount of doubt in what his plans were and knew that is why I was asking for clarification. So, he "snapped".

I have learned how to get my questions answered, without it sounding like doubt. Sometimes I am doubting him, sometimes I just want to know the "plan". More often than not, I want to know the plan. More often than not, our plans don't agree. Which then he feels doubted or unimportant. Then so do I. On and on the cycle goes. Of feeling that our own needs/desires are greater/better than the other persons.

So, here I am after having been treated less than lovingly and being less than respectful, feeling guilty.